Morticia Addams quotes from The Addams Family

Gomez

Morticia, it's a ransom note!

Morticia

A ransom note? You mean...

Gomez

He's been thing-napped!

But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?

Morticia

Well, it's... It's a family retainer.

Oh... oh, it's a... it's a SERVANT. Well, isn't THAT a person?

Morticia

Not necessarily.

Uncle Fester

[back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.

Gomez

I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.

Morticia

It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Morticia

So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.

Gomez

We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.

Morticia

What do you say to that?

Lurch

I quit.

Gomez

No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.

Morticia

Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.

Lurch

I quit.

Morticia

Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.

Gomez

That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.

Morticia

Oh? When he lead his men into battle?

Gomez

Off his sinking ship.

Morticia

We MUST think of ways to make money.

Uncle Fester

I know an easy way.

Morticia

Oh?

Uncle Fester

Print it.

Uncle Fester

Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!

Gomez

Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?

Uncle Fester

Oh, they're always talking politics!

Morticia

Darling, are those men staring at us?

Gomez

Not us. At you. You're ravishing!

Morticia

Darling, please. It's early.

Gomez

Your watch is slow.

Uncle Fester

Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.

Gomez

Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.

Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!

Uncle Fester

Itt's right. They could be disguised.

Morticia

Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

Morticia

[told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.

Gomez

Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.

Oo, oo, oo, oo.

Morticia

Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

Morticia

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Gomez

What is it, Thing? Something we should know?

Is it smaller than a coffin?

Morticia

Larger than a tsetse fly?

Gomez

Is it the title of a song?

Morticia

Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?

Uncle Fester

How many syllables?

Gomez

Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.

Morticia

Fight?

Fighting.

Gomez

Fight-ER!

Morticia

Pugilist.

Gomez

Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

Uncle Fester

Oh, not my suit of armor please, I need it to feel secure. Like Pugsley needs his wolf-head clock. That armor's the... only place I can find to hide in, to take my afternoon's nap.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, the whole family has given until it hurts.

Uncle Fester

Well, I like to hurt as much as anybody, but don't ask me to give my armor up. I have to wear it practically every day to scare off those neighborhood kids.

Morticia

They annoy you?

Uncle Fester

Oh not me, but... they keep waving sticks and throwing stones at my new pet falcon. And he's getting a nervous stomach.

Wednesday

[holding up her headless doll] I'm donating Mary Queen of Scots.

Morticia

Darling, that IS your most precious possession.

Wednesday

I can chop a head off another doll.

Morticia

I know, but all the heads don't come off as nicely as this one. Are you sure you want to donate Mary?

Wednesday

Yes, but I'll never be able to look her head in the eye again.

Morticia

Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?

Gomez

Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.

Morticia

Where are the children, dear?

Gomez

Oh, they're fine. They're riding on the roof.

Morticia

I do hope they don't get car sick. Is Lurch with them?

Gomez

Oh, no. He likes to ride with his head out the window and growl at the passing cars.

Gomez

Kitty-Cat doesn't need a hairpiece. Never met a lion who did.

A lion? In THIS house?

Morticia

How else are the children going to learn anything about nature?

Gomez

I can't wait till pet day at school.