Gomez Addams quotes from The Addams Family

Morticia

This is rather like being in the jungle again, isn't it, dear?

Gomez

You were wonderful to have on safari, Tish. No one could skin a hippopotamus like you could.

Morticia

Oh, darling, any housewife could do that. You were the remarkable one.

Gomez

Well...

Morticia

I'll never forget when that tiger broke cover. He charged our gun-bearer.

Gomez

Ah, yes. Dear Ali-Koshva.

Morticia

Quick as a wink and without a moment's hesitation you snapped your gun to your shoulder and fired.

Gomez

Bagged ourselves a wonderful gun-bearer.

We interrupt with a special announcement: An hour ago a dangerous creature broke out of the city zoo. When last seen, the monster was heading for the Greenbrier-Woodlawn area.

Morticia

That's us again.

Lurch

Shall I bolt the windows and doors?

Gomez

Nonsense. It's probably another relative.

Morticia

Dear Mama. I'm so glad we're home, really. If we leave her alone too long, she tends to brood.

Gomez

I don't know why. She has her lizards and her comfy nail-bed, and if things get dull she can always throw darts at Uncle Fester.

Gomez

I'm going to get you a lovely, golden-haired doll that says "Mama."

Wednesday

But what have I done?

Gomez

Nothing.

Wednesday

Then why are you punishing me?

Gomez

Morticia, it's a ransom note!

Morticia

A ransom note? You mean...

Gomez

He's been thing-napped!

Uncle Fester

[back from his first day as an insurance salesman] I tried. I knocked on every door in my territory. I was dynamic. I was personable, charming, AND magnetic but it wasn't any use. Oh, my career is ruined. I'm all washed up.

Gomez

I have a feeling all's not well with Fester.

Morticia

It's hard to tell. He puts up such a brave front.

Gomez

All right, you lily-livered goldbrick, are you gonna lie sniveling on that nice, warm bed of nails or are you gonna get up and FIGHT like an ADDAMS?

Uncle Fester

Well, if it's all the same with you, I'd rather lie here and snivel.

Gomez

When a pilot crashes, what does he do? He gets right back into that crate and up into the wild, blue yonder again. And when a lion tamer gets ripped up, does he snivel? Does he quit? Not always.

Morticia

So you see, Lurch, in as much as you love the harpsichord so, the real public benefactors wouldn't be US, it would be YOU.

Gomez

We even instruct the museum, Lurch, to name YOU as donor.

Morticia

What do you say to that?

Lurch

I quit.

Gomez

No, Lurch... Lurch, y-you can't quit. Y-you're like one of the family.

Morticia

Oh, think of all those glorious, happy years we've spent together. Think of the children. Think of Mama and Uncle Fester.

Lurch

I quit.

Morticia

Gomez, darling, it's wonderful the way you just leap in and take charge, lead the way.

Gomez

That's what they said about old Commodore Addams.

Morticia

Oh? When he lead his men into battle?

Gomez

Off his sinking ship.

I'll kill myself.

Gomez

Good thinking. Blooker, if you DO get that stock for me, I'll buy you the biggest, thickest, juiciest camel hump steak in town. Whadda ya have to say to that?

I'll kill myself.

Gomez

Got a one-track mind, Blooker - I like that!

Uncle Fester

Well, what's for supper? I could eat a horse!

Gomez

Come come, Fester, you had that for lunch.

Morticia

Uncle Fester, be patient, we'll be dining soon. Why don't you go over and chat with Lurch and Cousin Itt?

Uncle Fester

Oh, they're always talking politics!

Morticia

Darling, are those men staring at us?

Gomez

Not us. At you. You're ravishing!

Morticia

Darling, please. It's early.

Gomez

Your watch is slow.

Uncle Fester

Hey, they're coming over. They got such funny looks in their eyes, they COULD be people from Mars.

Gomez

Nonsense. They're not little, they're not green, and they don't have things sticking out of their heads.

Uts sfoo dedidivuh PAH!

Uncle Fester

Itt's right. They could be disguised.

Morticia

Well, whoever they are, we must be neighborly. We don't want them thinking we Earth-people are snobs.

Morticia

[told the chimpanzee is her son] No, I absolutely refuse to believe that THAT... Gomez? Look. He has that same lovely low brow as... you-know-who.

Gomez

Yeah, and that same fine prehistoric jawline.

Oo, oo, oo, oo.

Morticia

Oh, it IS Pugsley. I know that voice anywhere.

Morticia

I think he's trying to tell us something.

Gomez

What is it, Thing? Something we should know?

Is it smaller than a coffin?

Morticia

Larger than a tsetse fly?

Gomez

Is it the title of a song?

Morticia

Oh, this is fun. I mean, it WOULD be if Pugsley were here. Is it someone we know?

Uncle Fester

How many syllables?

Gomez

Two syllables. Ah, ha... Whom do we know with two syllables? First syllable. Sounds like.

Morticia

Fight?

Fighting.

Gomez

Fight-ER!

Morticia

Pugilist.

Gomez

Pug! Pug... Pug... Ahhh... It just doesn't seem to ring a bell.

Morticia

Gomez, did you hear an explosion a moment ago?

Gomez

Oh, that. Probably Uncle Fester down in the basement testing for gas leaks with a lighted match.