Pastor Dave: Ok, Laurie, let's see what you have.
[Laurie slowly puts three cards down one at a time while smiling and glaring at Dave]
Pastor Dave: Six... six... six... [frightened] Oh, well thank you for the wonderful evening! I'll see you at church!

Pastor Dave: Okay. Lets see your pictures. Kitty, what do you see when you think of God? [Kitty shows picture] Oh, that's nice. Very lifelike.
Kitty: See He's, um, He's looking down fondly on all of us going to church.
Dave: Steven. [Hyde shows picture of a man with long hair and a beard] Very good. I see, when you think of God, you see Jesus.
Hyde: No man, it's Clapton.
Eric: Oh my God, man. I drew Clapton too.

Red: How stupid do you think I am? We know what you were doing in the car.
Kitty: No. We don't know.
Red: Yes we do.
Kitty: No. We don't know.
Laurie: [cheering] I do!
Eric: Of course you do! You...majored in it!

[After Jackie mauls Laurie]
Donna: I can't believe Laurie bit me. I hope she didn't give me slut rabies.
Eric: Jackie, you're my hero. [Jackie looks confused. Eric continues] You hit her in the eye.
Jackie: Yeah but I guess it wasn't very zen of me, was it Hyde?
Hyde: Well, where zen ends, ass-kicking begins. And that's your final lesson, grasshopper.

[Arriving home after watching Annie Hall]
Eric: Hey, do you wanna go see Close Encounters sometime?
Kitty: Oh, I'd love to.
Eric: Very cool. Good night, Mom. [kisses Kitty on cheek before going to the kitchen. Red walks in as Kitty starts to cry.]
Red: Oh, what'd he do? I swear I'll kick his ass!

[As Hyde is taken into custody over marijuana]
Jackie: Steven Hyde, you were right. We will never be friends. We'll be more than friends. Because now I love you!
Hyde: Oh, my God, will you shut up?
Season 3

[at Aunt Pearl's home, Red tries a way to entertain her along with Kitty and Laurie]
Red: Come on Pearl, there's a Bucks game on!
Aunt Pearl: [enthusiastically gets out of rest room and heads to her chair] The Bucks, huh?
Kitty: [comforts Red] Well, now see? This is nice.
Aunt Pearl: The only thing that keeps me alive is watching the Bucks lose! PPPT!
Red: [Unenthusiastically]: Go Bucks.

[at Jackie's dinner party, a drunk Eric serenades Donna with his own version of Hey Paula. Schoolmate Timmy is on the piano]
Eric: Hey, hey Donna, I wanna sing to you, hey hey hey Donna, no one else will ever do, I've waited so long for [voice cracks] school to be through, Donna, Donna, I love you [high-pitched] hey hey Donna!!
Donna: Eric, get down off there right now!
Eric: What's the problem Donna?
Timmy: Yeah, what's the problem Donna?
Donna: Timmy, go get your pants on or I'll beat the crap out of you! [Timmy runs out of the room] Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?
Eric: Oh yeah baby.
Donna: [grabs trophy Eric uses as microphone] Well, tighten up baby. When the house is on fire, the party's over.
Eric: Well, hey, this was your idea.
Donna: Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.
Eric: Well I'm new at this [grabs the trophy back] so sue me. [sings again] Sue, sue, sue me!! Sue me Donna!

[At the Forman kitchen, Kelso tells Laurie that they must break up]
Kelso: I don't wanna live with this lying anymore. Because I only love Jackie.
Laurie: Okay. So, do you wanna go up to my room and have sex?
Kelso: Uh...sure! [Realizes what he's doing] No, wait! No! [releases Laurie and turns around so his back is to the kitchen's garage entrance] No! Okay, I...this...Laurie, I...I'm serious. We're over.
Laurie: Wow. I think you really mean it.
Kelso: I totally do.
Laurie: [sees Jackie just outside the garage] Okay, Kelso, you're free! You know what I'd like, though? Just one last goodbye kiss.
Kelso: Um...okay, well sure. [kisses Laurie. Jackie is shocked and rushes in]
Jackie: Michael!
Kelso: [lets go of Laurie] Jackie! We were...[Jackie runs away] No, there was...
Laurie: Wow, how ironic, huh? [leaves the room. Kelso bangs his head against the wall]

[at the planned meeting with three radio babes, Fez decides to stay behind and take his chances with three old women at the entrance to a club]
Fez: Hello my lovelies, I am Julie. Which one of you is Hot-To-Trot?
Girl's Voice: Julie?
Fez: [turns around] Yes? [sees attractive girls walk up to him]
Girl No 1: You made it! I'm Hot-to-Trot.
Girl No 2: I'm Foxy Lady!
Girl No 3: And I'm Nice-and-Easy!
Fez: You're not fat. Or old at all!
Nice-and-Easy: Of course not! We're gymnasts.
Fez: Dear, Penthouse... [girls smile]

[Donna and Midge are hanging out]
Donna: So ... here we are ... together... again.
Midge: Hmm, I'm just loving the time we spend together Donna. In my new book 'Our Mothers, Our Selves,' it says we're supposed to be friends. We should talk to each other and listen. Your stupid father never listens.
Donna: Is there anything in your book about not insulting my father?
Midge: Well I don't know, I've only read the first chapter. Oh, okay, no more talking about your father. So, how do you like the clogs I bought you?
Donna: They're awesome!
Midge: Good! Cause your father's an ass!

[Donna separately asks Kitty, Laurie, and Midge how their own first times felt]
Donna: Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like?
Midge: Oh, my first time was with a guy named...your father.
Laurie: My first time was with this guy named Darren. It was really special! Oh no, wait. It wasn't Darren, it was...Robert? I think, Robert!
Kitty: Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married. Like, five seconds after we were married. We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet!
Midge: Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent. [has a long stare, but snaps out of it] You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British!
Laurie: No, no no no, not Robert. There was this guy...what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Kitty: Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers. Nimble!
Midge: I just remember it was very disappointing. And I never saw that guy again. I mean, your father. I mean, your father was the first. Don't tell your father, ok?
Laurie: I wanna say Billy. But that's not right. Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
Kitty: And it was just wonderful. Eventually.

[Eric is being punished for "smoking." Red has him sweeping out the garage. Bob blames Eric for Donna failing English.]
Red: Well, that's kind of stupid, Bob.
Bob: Well, I guess the truth hurts.
Red: So does a swift kick in the ass.
Bob: All right, I'm going. But a swift kick in the ass is not the solution to everything, Forman!
Red: I gotta disagree, Bob!
Eric: Uh, Dad... thanks for...
Red: KEEP SWEEPING, SMOKER!

[Eric sees a deer.]
Eric: [to Red] Look at him. He's magnificent. He's the king of the forest, just like...Bambi's dad. It's beautiful.
Red: [shoots deer] Yeah, and I bet he tastes beautiful, too. [before going down to collect the deer] Oh, and just for the record, Eric, I'm the king of the forest.

[Eric starts to drive the car into the garage]
Eric: What the...?
Red: You're moving it a foot and you hit something. Jeez.
Eric: Oh my God! Its... Its Mr. Bonkers.
Red: Wow. That is one dead cat.