Frank Woodley quotes from Thank God You're Here

Thank God you’re here master.

Frank

I’m glad to be here. Because I’m always glad for a master of the way always has a happy heart. Even once, I got a pimple on the inside of my buttocks and when I walked it would rub and rub! But that did not deter me from the centre of the way.

Master, lead us in a prayer

Frank

Okey, dokey. Great wall of china!

In Tibetan, master, if we may.

Frank

(Shakes his head.) You have learnt much my son. But you have not learnt to not be a smart ass.

I want you to stand and state your name. Who are you?

Glenn Robbins

Um... Ken. Ken the... Ken the conqueror.

You sir?

Akmal Saleh

Vicilious Demericus. But I’m also known as Craig.

Fifi Box

Sally Bacterious.

Sally. You have a strange voice for a viking warrior.

Fifi

I do. I do. Some like it though.

Good, sit mighty Sally. And finally...

Frank

I’m... I’m Ken as well. But I’m Ken, the one who tried to conquer some stuff and didn’t work out.

What do you call this?

Glenn Robbins

It slices. It dices. But wait, there’s more. It also works as a... Ken?

Frank

Killing thing.

Glenn

So when you’re attacked by an enemy, don’t stab him. Slice him and dice him, pop him in the freezer and have him a bit later on.

You have discovered a new method to navigate the mighty waters.

Fifi

I thought what we could do is just put the boat in the water, grab an oar, see what happens.

I like it.

Akmal

We did this, but we forgot to get in the boat. And then the boat went... next time we actually got the boat and went in it, and we thought that was much more effective.

Glenn

Let’s just say, she’s not great at coming up with ideas. She’s much better, Ken, and I think you’ll agree when I say this, at making love.

Ken the non-conqueror, but Ken the wise, tell me, some say the earth is round.

Frank

Ha!

Some say the earth is flat. But you say it is neither. Why?

Frank

Well, I’ve got a hunch. Because I think it’s like a big skateboard ramp and you head off up into the nothingness, do a bit of a trick, come back. That didn't make any sense, let’s get into the raping!

Glenn

Also, he’s not great with the ideas.

Enough! We only have time to pray now. And we must pray to mighty Thor, mighty Oden, please I ask of thee, give me wisdom.

I ask of thee strength. (Points at Glenn.)

Glenn

I ask of thee…

Akmal

He’s not great with ideas either!

Frank

I think cause our inmates like… inmates? Our clients like that personal… they like to feel, they like me to caress them in a friendly, no! We’re not like that!

Of course your residents have a whole programme…

Frank

Residents! That’s the word I was looking for.