Bobby Singer quotes from Supernatural

Rufus

So you just happened to have a bamboo dagger blessed by a Shinto priest laying around.

Bobby

Wood chipper.

Rufus

Oh... okie dokie, wood chipper. That-that pretty much trumps...everything.

Bobby

Sam, Dean, I love you like my own. I do. But sometimes... sometimes you two are the whiniest, most self-absorbed sons of bitches I ever met. I'm selfish? Me? I do everything for you. Everything! You need some lore scrounged up, you need your asses pulled out of the fire, you need someone to bitch to about each other. You call me, and I come through. Every damn time! And what do I get for it? Jack with a side of squat!

Dean

Bobby...

Bobby

Do I sound like I'm done? Now look, I know you got issues. God knows, I know. But I got a news flash for you. You ain't the center of the universe! Now it may have slipped your minds that Crowley owns my soul, and the meter is running. And I will be damned if I'm going to sit around and... and be damned! So how about you two sack up and help me for once?

Crowley

I thought when I got the corner office, it was all going to be rainbows and two-headed puppies. But if I'm being honest, it's been hell.

Bobby

I thought that was the point.

Crowley

You know what the problem with demons is?

Bobby

They're demons?

Crowley

Exactly. Evil, lying prats, the whole lot of them. They're stupid. You try to show them a new way, a better way, and what do you get? Bugger all! You know, there's days that I think Lucifer's whole "spike anything with black eyes" plan wasn't half bad. Hpph. Feels good to get it off my chest. We should make this a thing.

Bobby

Do I look like Dr. Phil to you?

Crowley

A little.

Dean

You gotta figure out what the hell he [Sam] is and fast.

Bobby

I'm trying. But, Dean, there's a worst case scenario.

Dean

What, Satan's my co-pilot? Yeah, I know.

Bobby

Well, that'd be the other worst case.

Dean

Well, then what?

Bobby

Maybe it's just Sam.

Bobby

Tori Spelling. I'm a huge fan. Girl's a real talent.

Dean

I guess it does work over the phone.

Bobby

You know what else? I get a pedicure once in a while at this nice Vietnamese joint.

Dean

Okay, please stop.

Bobby

This one girl, Nhung Phuong, name means "velvet phoenix." Tiny thing, but the grip on her! She starts on my toes and I feel like I am gonna -

Dean

Whoa, whoa, hey, come on, man. Now I'm scarred for life! Thank you.

Bobby

You want to explain what this is about?

Sam

I just, uh, I have to do this, Bobby.

Bobby

Says who?

Sam

When Dean shoves that soul back in me, think how bad that could really be. I can't let it happen, Bobby. I mean it's not like I want to kill you, you've been nothing but good to me.

Bobby

So what, demon deal or somethin'?

Sam

Spell.

Bobby

You're makin' a mistake, Sam.

Sam

I'm trying to survive.

Bobby

Dean's got a way to make it safe.

Sam

Oh, yeah, what some wall inside my head that maybe stays up? Come on.

Bobby

If it works...

Sam

Well, what if it doesn't? Dean doesn't care about me. He - he just cares about his little brother, Sammy, burning in Hell. He'll kill me to get that other guy back.

Bobby

Look, I... I know how scary it is. You know what's scarier? You right now. You're not in your right head Sam. You're not giving us much choice here.

Dean

So, Sam...

Sam

Yeah?

Dean

What's the last thing you remember?

Sam

The field. And then I fell.

Dean

Okay. And then?

Sam

Um, I woke up in the panic room.

Bobby

That's it? You really don't remember—

Dean

Let's be glad. Who wants to remember all that hell?

Sam

Well, how long was I gone?

Dean

About a year and a half.

Sam

What? I was downstairs f— I don't remember anything. So, how'd I get back? Was it Cas?

Dean

Not exactly.

Dean

What do you know about dragons?

Bobby

What? Nothing.

Dean

Seriously.

Bobby

Well, they're not like the Loch Ness monster, Dean. Dragons aren't real.

Dean

Could you make a few calls?

Bobby

To who? Hogwarts?!

Sam

You saying he wasn't a monster when I ganked him?

Rufus

One way to find out. Bobby, you got a cranial saw in the car?

Bobby

Of course.

Bobby

It was Omaha. It was my fault. And he never let it go.

Dean

Well, he should have.

Bobby

You don't know what I did, Dean.

Dean

It doesn't matter.

Bobby

What do you mean, it doesn't...?

Dean

I mean, at the end of the day, you two are family. Life's short, and ours are shorter than most. We gonna spend it wringing our hands? Something's going to get us, eventually. And when my guts get ripped out, just so you two know, we're good. Blanket apology for all the crap that anybody's done, all the way around.

Sam

Some of us pulled a lot of crap, Dean.

Dean

Well, clean slate.

Sam

Okay.

Bobby

Either of you jokers ever heard anything about a Phoenix?

Dean

River, Joaquin, or the giant flaming bird?

Dean

We'll Star Trek IV this bitch.

Bobby

I only watched Deep Space Nine.

Dean

It's like I don't even know you guys anymore. Star Trek IV. Save the whales.

Castiel

You only have 24 hours.

Sam

What? Why?

Castiel

Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations...

Bobby

Yeah, aim lower.

Sam

Look, just because you're obsessed with all that Wild West stuff...

Dean

No I'm not.

Sam

You have a fetish, Dean.

Dean

Shut up. I like old movies.

Sam

You can recite every Clint Eastwood movie ever made, line-for-line.

Bobby

Even the monkey movies?

Sam

Yeah. Especially the monkey movies.

Dean

His name is Clyde.

Bobby

You goin' to a hoedown?

Castiel

Now is it, is it customary to wear a blanket?

Dean

It's a serape. And yes, it's a... never mind, let's just go.