Rusty Cuyler quotes from Squidbillies

Daddy, I need to know once and for all...

Aw, dammit, not this again! I told you boy, if your momma's white then that makes me a damn chalky lover. Now do I look like a chalky lover to you?!?

Well I don't know daddy, you do drink alot.

Yes I do... and I fight... but, some other crazy sum-bitch is the one what bangulated and inpregnified that white womern, not I!

So you're saying my mama was white?

Wait a minute, what'd I say?

Well, then there's one of me. (Turns page) Here's one of them, what you call, them Glamour Shots, what have you. (Turns page) What do you know, there's me! Nope, that's a bus.

Am I in any of these pictures momma?

Well, uh... well look at this one, I'm about eight months pregnant with you in this one.

Ooh...

Yeah, I sent that in to Spunk magazine. Fools rejected it. You'd print this, wouldn't you?

My daddy said you was like a huge dollop of sour cream - rich and zesty, with a little bit of bite.

How is your daddy?

Ah he's good, he's good, just got out of prison not too long ago.

No, I'm sorry - who, who's your daddy? Anyone I know?

Uhh, Early Cuyler.

Tall guy?

Nope.

Big belly?

No, not the one.

Kinda looks like Charlie Sheen?

Not him either.

Or is Charlie Sheen?

Mmm no, not Charlie Sheen.

Is he a football team?

Nope.

Is he the groundskeeping crew for the football team?

No.

Are you sure it's not Charlie Sheen?

No momma! Early Cuyler's his name! About yay high. I've been told we look alike, espically around the eye region - same shape of eye, you know, right here.

Early, it's my job to protect and serve all forms of life, even the unhatched. Every American has the right to life!

Even that crazy bitch in Houston what killed all them cats in the bathtub?

Well yeah, she should die, but I'm talking about the unborn. Inside that egg is a beatin' heart; a soul, this small. And uh, while I don't understand how Rusty might have conceived-

Diplarobosomosexualosmosis, right down 'ere in his buttcrack.

Alright, alright, whatever, is that how he did it? My point is, this is a life. And even though you don't love it, you don't have any money, and you won't give it any opportunities, this here egg could grow up to be president. Or find the cure for homosexuality! waiterminute, hell, even become the next Tom T. Hall!

So whatcher sayin' is uh, that my grandbaby rightchere might someday grow up to be the gay president of Tom T. Hall? Outstandiner than hell.

Fruit don't talk, fruit just listens... and waits.

I'm sorry Granny you alright?

Aaaah! A Talkin' honeydew! It's the apocalypse!" :

"I'm bout ta slap ya lips!"

Aight now, ya'll bow yer heads. Lord...(Rusty blares out Electronia music and begins dancing with glowsticks) Russell, kindly turn down the electronica. (Rusty turns off music) Lord, please allow these scratched lottery tickets with their slivery seasonings to nourish our bodies as they were unable to do the same to our wallets. And thank ya fer the untimely frost which clamed my bananer orchard. Oh, I was a fool ta plant bananers on a mountain! You made sure of that. So, in short, thanks for nothin'.

Lil

Ain't you gonna thank him fer that truck-boat-truck of yers?

You silly bitch! Don't be tellin' him 'bout my truck-boat-truck!

But, Daddy, you tell everybody 'bout that truck-boat-truck. That's yer pride and joy.

'Cause its bad-ass is why! Check out this mess!

Listen to that 450 big block! Wahow!

Well, here we are! Terminus, capital of the dirty south. Rising like a phoenix from the ashes of the civil war. Y'all recongnize this place here?

Wait a minute, this the place where Kenny Rogers shot that scene with the kids of Six Pack, ain't it?

1982! The coward of the county's own self stood right here!

I done tell you once, you son-of-a-bitch, I'm the best that's ever been!

What?

Fire in the mountain, run boys run!

Go behind the Dumpster and mate the tangy with the mild.

Well, how I go about doing that?

Tie Tangy up, have a black chicken fuck it in a fake rape scenario while Mild watches helpless because that's what gets him off.

I'm gonna own you all, just like I own this little bitch here! Come on. Come to daddy.

Wait a minute, now. I thought you said this was free. I didn't have to do nuthin' for it.

Listen to the little whiny bitch. Boy, he's really gonna hate it when he gets to Hell.

I don't wanna go to hell! Come on, do something, Daddy!

You know, it's actually not much worse than your current situation. I mean, yeah, we have really high taxes, but hey, you earn real money at least. I mean, we do have jobs down there. It's not everything you hear.

Oh, really?

Hahaha, no! You are raped by fire all day! And the days are longer down there! Oh, there's plenty to drink. You know what you drink? FIRE, motherstuffer, that's what! Dinner? That's a root that makes you thirsty for more flippin' fire! You understand? It's ridiculous what I've set up down there!

Cmon Roy Clark I summon you from hell.

Banjo is dated! Just cuz we live up here we supposed to like banjo!? How very damn trite!

(while Sheriff and the hippies "copulate") Damn! Smells like somebody took a massive dump on a huge pile of crap and soaked the whole thing in a jug of week-old farts and lit the whole caboodle on fire.

Yeah, just like you done on the last Fourth of July, Daddy.

I sure did. I support the troops.

Oh my God! It's Ridley Scott's "Alien"! Look at it! Oh my God! Oh my God!

No, son, it ain't Ridley Scott's "Alien". It's worse.

(taking Lil's babies to the "movies") Alright. C'mon y'all. C'mon. Step right in to the movies. Yeah, see what Hollyweird has cooked up next. Getcha good seat now. You don't wanna miss them previews.

Daddy, this ain't the movies.

No movies. Lake boat.

Hey little possum! Can I feed him, daddy?

Knock yourself out.