John Watson quotes from Sherlock

Cocaine. A seven percent solution. Would you care to try it?

John Watson

No. But I would quite like to find every ounce of the stuff in your possession and pour it out of the window.

[amused] I should be inclined to stop you.

John Watson

Then you would be reminded, quite forcibly, which of us is a soldier and which of us a drug addict.

You're not a soldier, you are a doctor.

John Watson

I'm an army doctor, which means I could break every bone in your body while naming them.

My dear Watson, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgement.

John Watson

Never on a case. You promised me, never on a case.

No, I just said that in one of your stories.

John Watson

[angrily] Listen. I'm happy to play the fool for you. I will run along behind you like some halfwit, making you look clever, if that's what you need, [raising his voice] but DEAR GOD ABOVE, you will hold yourself to a higher standard!

Why?

John Watson

Because people need you to!

What people? Why? Because of your idiot stories?

John Watson

[matter-of-factly] Yes, because of my "idiot stories".

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John Watson

When you're ready to go to work, give me a call. I'm taking Mary home.

You're what?

John Watson

Mary is taking me home.

Better.

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‘The Duplicate Man – How could Dennis Parkinson be in two places at the same time? And murder one of them?’

John Watson

Sherlock…

It’s never twins.

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John Watson

A jellyfish?

I know.

John Watson

You can’t arrest a jellyfish.

You could try.

John Watson

We did try.

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John Watson [to Sherlock]: Godfather, we’d like you to be godfather.

God is a ludicrous fiction, dreamt up by inadequates who abnegate all responsibility to an invisible magic friend.

John Watson

Yeah, but there’ll be cake. Will you do it?

I’ll get back to you.

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Take all the credit. It gets boring if I just solve them all.

Yeah, you say that, but then John blogs about it, and you get all the credit anyway.

John Watson

He’s got a point.

Which makes me look like some kind of prima Donna who insists on getting credit for something he didn’t do!

John Watson

Well, I think you’ve hit a sore spot, Sherlock.

Like I’m some kind of credit junkie.

John Watson

Definitely a sore spot.

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You’re at the beck and call of a screaming, demanding baby, woken up at all hours to obey its every whim. Must feel very different…

Sorry, what?

John Watson

Yes, well, you know how it is. All you do is clean up their mess, pat them on the head.

Are you two having a little joke?

John Watson

Never a word of thanks. Can’t even tell people’s faces apart.

This is a joke, isn’t it?

Yeah, and it’s all, “Oh, aren’t you clever. You’re so, so clever.”

Is it about me?

I think he needs winding.

John Watson

You know, I think that really might be it.

No, don’t get it.

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Mary Watson [about a case] And what are you going to call this one?

John Watson

Oh, the Ghost Driver.

Don’t give it a title.

John Watson

People like the titles.

They hate the titles.

John Watson

Give the people what they want.

No, never do that – people are stupid.

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I can’t stand it, never can. There’s a loose thread in the world.

John Watson

It doesn’t mean you have to pull on it.

What kind of a life would that be?

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What is that? [balloon with a face drawn on it]

John Watson

That is… me. Well, it’s a me substitute.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You know I value your little contributions.

John Watson

Yeah? It’s been there since nine this morning.

Has it? Where were you?

John Watson

Helping Mrs H with her Sudoku.

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Sherlock Holmes [about Greg’s date]: Trust me, though, she’s not right for you.

What?

She’s not the one.

Well, thank you, Mystic Meg.

John Watson

How do you work all that out?

She’s got three children in Rio that he doesn’t know about.

John Watson

Are you just making this up?

Possibly.

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John Watson

Hang on, Mary’s better than me?

Well, she is a retired super-agent with a terrifying skill-set. Of course she’s better.

John Watson

Yeah, OK.

Nothing personal.

John Watson

What, so I’m supposed to just go home now, am I?

What do you think, Sherlock? Shall we take him with us?

John or the dog?

John Watson

Ha-ha, that’s funny!

John.

Well…

He’s handy and loyal.

John Watson

That’s hilarious. Is it too early for a divorce?

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John

I need a second opinion.

Oh, John, calm down. When have you ever managed two opinions? You'd fall over.

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I have known many people in this world, but made few friends, and I can safely say-

John

-I cheated on her.

...

John

No clever comeback?

...

John

[talking to Mary] I cheated on you, Mary. There was a woman on the bus, and I had a plastic daisy in my hair, I'd been playing with Rosie. And this girl just smiled at me. That's all it was, it was a smile. We texted, constantly. You want to know when? Every time you left the room, that's when. When you were feeding our daughter. When you were stopping her from crying, that's when. And that's all it was. Just texting. But I wanted more. And do you know something? I still do. I'm not the man you thought I was, I'm not that guy. I never could be. But that's the point. [voice breaking] That's the whole point. Who you thought I was...is the man who I want to be.

MMary

Well, then...John Watson... [smiling] Get the hell on with it.

[Mary disappears. John lowers his head into his hand and begins to weep. Sherlock gets up and gently embraces him]

It's okay.

John

[crying] It's not okay.

No...But it is what it is.

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