[The boys have been out on John’s stag night, and are now lying at the bottom of the stairs to 221B Baker Street, very drunk]
[Slurring] I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?
John WatsonNo, I... don’t have an international reputation.
No. And I can’t even remember what for. ‘S... crime. Something like that.
Oh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going out late?
Ah, Hudders. What time is it?
You've only been out two hours.
[Playing a drunk game of Yes or No; John is ‘Madonna’, while Sherlock’s nametag reads ‘Sherlock Holmes’]
John Watson
Am I... a woman?
John Watson
Am I... pretty? This? [Pointing to his nametag]
Beauty is a construct based entirely on childhood impressions, influences and role models.
John Watson
Yeah, but am I a pretty lady?
[The boys wake up in a prison cell]
John Watson
[Dazed] Oh, my God. Greg? Is that Greg?
Get up. I’m going to put you two in a taxi. I’ve managed to square things with the desk sergeant. [Laughs] What a couple of lightweights! You couldn’t even make it to closing time!
John Watson
Can you whisper?
[Shouting] NOT REALLY! [Sherlock wakes with a start] Come on!
[He turns and leaves. After staggering about, Sherlock manages to follow]
[Interrogating victims of the Mayfly Man in his imaginary courtroom]
[to the nurse] What did you say? You said John Hamish Watson. You said that. You said Hamish. How did you know? How did you know his middle name? He never tells anyone, he hates it.
[Flash to Baker Street. Sherlock is trying to guess John’s middle name]
John Watson
Yep.
[Over breakfast]
John Watson
Shut up.
[Reading]
John Watson
Shut up.
[Through the bathroom door, while John is in the shower]
John Watson
Go away!
[Back to the courtroom]
It took him years to confide in me...
[John comes in to find Sherlock reading something]
John Watson
...That’s my birth certificate.
[Back to the courtroom]
[There is a momentary flashback to A Scandal In Belgravia]
[Suddenly, Irene Adler is stood before Sherlock, naked. She traces a fingernail down his jawline]
[Exasperated] Out of my head. I’m busy!
John Watson
(panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?
(short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now--
John Watson
SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.
I didn't say it was funny.
John Watson
(turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?
John Watson
(steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.
John Watson
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
(surprised) It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing!
(offhandedly) And exotic dancing.
(insulted) Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing--
(losing patience) John, you're addicted to a certain lifestyle! You're abnormally attracted...to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
John Watson
(voice breaking) But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
John Watson
Why is everything...always...MY FAULT?!? (kicks a chair aside ferociously)
(flees into the kitchen, horrified) Oh, the neighbours.
John, listen. Be calm and answer me. What is she?
John Watson
My lying wife.
John Watson
The woman who is carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her.
No. Not in this flat. Not in this room. Right here, right now, what...is...she?
John Watson
Okay. Your way. (resentful) Always your way. (places a chair in front of Mary) Sit.
John Watson
Because that's where they sit! The people who come in here with their stories. The clients. That's what you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen and we decide if we want you or not!
John Watson
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. These are prepared words, Mary. I've chosen these words with care.
John Watson
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future...are my privilege. That's all I have to say; that's all I need to know [He throws her USB stick in the fire] No, I didn't read it.
[crying] You don't even know my name.
John Watson
Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you?
John Watson
Then it's good enough for me, too.
[they embrace]
John Watson
All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you.
John Watson
I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then.
John Watson
You can mow the sodding lawn from now on.
John Watson
I do it loads.
John Watson
I choose the baby's name.
John Watson
Okay.
John Watson
Sherlock, what do we do?
MMagnussen
Nothing! There's nothing to be done. Oh, I'm not a villain, I have no "evil plan". I'm a businessman, acquiring assets. You happen to be one of them. Sorry, no chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr. Holmes!
Oh, do your research. I'm not a hero, I'm a high-functioning sociopath! Merry Christmas! [shoots Magnussen in the head, then drops the gun and raises his hands to the police helicopter] Get away from me, John! Stay well back!
John Watson
CHRIST, SHERLOCK!
[While waiting for the "ghost" to attack]
John Watson
That watch that you're wearing - there's a photograph inside it. I glimpsed it once. I believe it is of Irene Adler.
[irritated] You didn't "glimpse" it, you waited till I had fallen asleep and looked at it.
John Watson
Yes, I did.
You seriously thought I wouldn't notice?
John Watson
Irene Adler.
Formidable opponent. A remarkable adventure.
John Watson
A very nice photograph.
Why are you talking like this?
John Watson
Why are you so determined to be alone?
Are you quite well, Watson?
John Watson
Is it such a curious question?
From a Viennese alienist, no; from a retired army surgeon, most certainly!
John Watson
Holmes, against absolutely no opposition whatsoever, I am your closest friend.
John Watson
I am currently attempting to have a perfectly normal conversation with you.
John Watson
Why do you need to be alone?
If you are referring to romantic entanglement, Watson – which I rather fear you are – as I have often explained before, all emotion is abhorrent to me. It is the grit in a sensitive instrument...
John Watson
[almost simultaneously with him] ... "the crack in the lens", yes.
Well, there you are, you see? I've said it all before.
John Watson
No, I wrote all that. You're quoting yourself from The Strand Magazine.
John Watson
No, those are my words, not yours! That is the version of you that I present to the public: the brain without a heart, the calculating machine. I write all of that, Holmes, and the readers lap it up, but I do not believe it.
Well, I've a good mind to write to your editor.
John Watson
You are a living, breathing man. You've lived a life; you have a past.
John Watson
Well, you must have had...
John Watson
[haltingly, awkward] ... you know...
John Watson
[swallows] Experiences.
[angrily] Pass me your revolver. I have a sudden need to use it.
John Watson
Damn it, Holmes, you are flesh and blood. You have feelings, you have... you must have... impulses.
[through clenched teeth] Dear Lord, I have never been so impatient to be attacked by a murderous ghost...!
John Watson
I saw the ghost with my own eyes!
You saw nothing. You saw what you were supposed to see.
John Watson
You said yourself: I have no imagination.
Then use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible, which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out!
[sarcastic] Thank you...!
Sherlock · 206 quotes
