Miranda Hobbes quotes from Sex and the City

I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.

What happens to it?

Nothing. I just never go back.

Doesn't that get a little expensive, disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy?

That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.

Miranda

And that's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.

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It's about the fact that I wasn't even a factor in his decision-making process.

Miranda

Totally.

Men do this all the time. Women walk around thinking "we." And their version of "we" is "me and my dick."

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Miranda

You double-booked?

Well, I had to. This one guy was going out of town for three weeks, and the other guy didn't wanna cancel.

So, how do you conceive pulling this one off?

Early dinner with bachelor number one, late supper with bachelor number two.

My God, you're turning into a man!

[voiceover] Apparently Charlotte had done more than break a pattern. She had actually changed genders.

I just don't know how I'm ever gonna eat two dinners in a row.

[voiceover] And then, just like that, she was a woman again.

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You shouldn't be talking like that at all, Samantha. It's rude and politically incorrect.

Sweetie, a reminder: Samantha is rude and politically incorrect.

Miranda

She's an equal opportunity offender.

Precisely. I don't see color. I see conquests.

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Miranda

Steve is completely predictable, but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe.

Are you dating a man or a minivan?

Miranda

Read into it what you will, but my new favorite thing to do on a Saturday night is Steve's laundry, and I have never been happier.

Your relationship is my greatest fear realized.

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Miranda

Maybe I'm mistaking falling into a rut with intimacy.

How often are you guys having sex?

Miranda

Often enough. But it's totally generic. We've got every move down pat. It's more like a race to have an orgasm than anything else.

Still, it's nice to be a contestant, isn't it?

Miranda

Sure. I know what you mean. We whine when we don't have a boyfriend, and we whine when we do.

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Miranda

Do you have another?

Ladies, I am not Tampax central. Put on list: Buy tampons.

Well, I have them at home, but they won't fit in my Kate Spade purse.

Miranda

Wow, Kate must have a tiny vagina.

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[after telling Miranda about her affair with Big] I want everyone to get out of this without anyone getting hurt.

Miranda

Well, that's realistic.

Why not? You've heard those stories about affairs where people realize how great their other relationship is and end it without anyone being the wiser.

Miranda

I don't watch Lifetime Television for Women.

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The pink Post-its are for the gowns I kinda like. The green Post-its are for the gowns I kinda really like. And the yellow Post-its are for the gowns I don't know if I like. Here.

Miranda

Kill me, please. Just take a sharp object and drag it across my throat.

Stop. Miranda, you take Modern Bride. Samantha, New York Bride. [hands Miranda and Charlotte bridal magazines]

And I'll take what, Annoying Bride?

Here, Carrie. Page 211. Pink Post-its. Tell me what you think. [hands Carrie a bridal magazine]

Okey-dokey.

Miranda

[looking at a magazine] Ooh! Cute purse!

No purses! There's no time for purses! This is gown-specific!

Miranda

What's your theme again? A Nazi wedding?

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Miranda

I'm just saying, as a lawyer—a partner, no less—I got zero dates, and as a stewardess, I got one for tomorrow night.

I believe the correct term is "flight attendant".

Miranda

Not if you wanna get laid.

Honey, it doesn't matter what you say you do. It's how you say it. For example, "I'm in PR". Translation: "I give great head".

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[after the wedding] I finally get to sleep with Trey.

Excuse me?

Miranda

You haven't slept with him yet?

Honey, before you buy the car, you take it for a test drive!

I wanted to save myself until we got married.

But, sweetie, you're not a virgin.

Well, I am in this relationship, and I think it's romantic.

Yeah, it's romantic until he can't figure out where to put it in.

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I've got something to make you feel better. [hands Carrie and Miranda packages]

Oh! Dildos before 10 am. I'm all perked up.

They're autographed. One for each.

Miranda

My friend went to California. All I got was this lousy dildo.

Could you please put these back wherever they came from? People are staring.

Please, it's LA. No one cares if your egg whites have a side of cock.

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Are you in pain? I'm in pain just looking at you.

Miranda

I'm a 34-year-old woman with braces, and I'm on a liquid diet. Pain doesn't begin to cover it.

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Miranda

They're starting to die on us.

Oh, my God.

Well, at least you weren't stood up.

Miranda

35 and they're dying! We should just give up now.

Well, on the bright side, this could explain why they don't call back.

How did he...

Miranda

Heart attack. At the gym.

See? This is why I don't work out.

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Samantha, your face is glowing. Did you get a facial or something?

I masturbated all afternoon.

All right, then.

Miranda

Seriously? All afternoon?

Well, two, two and a half hours.

Miranda

Who's got that kind of time? I like to get in and get out.

Well, I enjoy a quickie every now and then too, but when it's good like today, I go with it. I masturbated to my priest.

Your priest?

Friar Fuck.

Okay, I think we might have to get Charlotte a crash helmet.

You have a priest?!

No, no, no, no. She wants him, but she can't have him. It's all very Thorn Birds.

In my fantasy he tears the food I'm carrying for the homeless out of my arms, rips open my dress, lays me down in the street and enters me.

Miranda

What do you do for the next two hours and 20 minutes?

Stop! You're talking about a priest!

It's a fantasy! I can masturbate to whomever I like. It's imagination. It's fun and perfectly healthy.