Miranda Hobbes quotes from Sex and the City

Samantha

[about her nude photographs] This is not about a man's approval. This photo is just for me. So when I'm old and my tits are in my shoes, I can look at it and say, "Damn, I was hot."

Miranda

Isn't that a little narcissistic?

Samantha

No one thinks it's narcissistic when you get your seventh-grade picture taken.

Charlotte

You weren't naked in that.

Carrie

That we know of.

Charlotte

We're supposed to be getting to know each other again, not... not...

Samantha

Fucking against a hand dryer?

Charlotte

It's so confusing. Are we dating or are we back together? Is he my boyfriend or my lover? Or my ex-husband whom I have sex with occasionally in coatrooms?

Miranda

And bathrooms.

Carrie

I'm going with "d) all of the above".

Samantha

Oh, who cares what you are? Just enjoy it.

Charlotte

No, I need to know where we're going.

Carrie

Yes, we'd like to know where you're going as well, since evidently you'll be having sex there.

Samantha

[about her relationship with Maria] All we ever do is lie around, take baths together and talk about feelings.

Charlotte

I think they call that a relationship.

Samantha

I don't know how you people do it. All that emotional chow-chow, it's exhausting.

Miranda

I know, don't you just hate that?

Carrie

Women.

Carrie

How did this happen? How did they get the message that the ass is now on the menu?

Miranda

I bet there's one loud-mouth guy who found some woman who loved it and told everybody, "Women love this!"

Carrie

Who is this guy?

Miranda

Who's the woman who loved it?

Samantha

Don't knock it until you try it!

Carrie

Bingo!

Charlotte

We're having Trey's sperm tested.

Miranda

Is it not doing well in school?

Every time I look down at my nuts—correction, nut—I look all lopsided.

Miranda

Women don't care! We care about... nice arms, great eyes, big dick. I have never once heard a woman say, "He had such a big, full scrotum!"

Carrie

You're sleeping with Steve?

Miranda

Slept. Once. Singular. It was a mercy fuck. I felt bad, he only had one ball.

Carrie

Well, I guess that's all he needed.

Miranda

Yeah, no kidding! Apparently the other one was purely ornamental. God, I'm such a fucking idiot! Why didn't I use a condom?

Carrie

You didn't use a...

Miranda

He only has one ball, and I have a lazy ovary. In what twisted world does that create a baby?

Carrie

Yeah, I see your point.

Miranda

It's like the Special Olympics of conception!

Charlotte

I can't believe you took ecstasy from a stranger!

Samantha

It wasn't a stranger! It was a friend of my friend Bobby's friend Bobby.

Miranda

Oh, well, then you know it's safe.

Miranda

[reading the card Richard wrote Samantha] "Style for style. Best, Richard."

Carrie

"Best." Yikes.

Miranda

"Best" is the worst.

Carrie

Yeah, even Gold and Vogel give you "sincerely."

Samantha

"Best" is like signing "Not love."

Miranda

I'm telling you, the fat ass, the farting—it's ridiculous. I am unfuckable. And I have never been so horny in my entire life.

Carrie

Really?

Miranda

Yeah. That's why you're supposed to be married when you're pregnant, so somebody is obligated to have sex with you.

Miranda

[about her baby shower] But who would I invite besides you guys?

Samantha

All the bitches that made you go to theirs!

Miranda

[about Brady] He has to get baptized and wear a dress.

Carrie

Baby's first drag show. It's a very odd tradition.

Miranda

Oh, don't even get me started. It's all about cleansing this little baby of his sins, when clearly, babies come into the world with a clean slate and we're the ones that fuck 'em up.

Carrie

So, you're a pessimist, right?

Miranda

Have we met?

Miranda

I didn't tell Walker I had a baby.

Charlotte

How could you not mention it?

Miranda

It didn't come up! If Walker had asked me directly, "Have you given birth recently?" I would've said, "First of all, define 'recently.'"

Miranda

It's times like this I wish women could go to male prostitutes.

Samantha

Women do.

Carrie

No, no, only in bad screenplays and first novels.

Miranda

That is an incredible investment idea. We should open a brothel where the men are cute and the sheets are 500-count Egyptian cotton. Samantha, you can be the madam.

Samantha

Well, at least it's something new.

Carrie

We could put one in every neighborhood, like Starbucks.

Samantha

Starfucks.

Charlotte

[after Carrie's flamboyant friend announces he's getting married to a woman] I thought he was gay!

Miranda

Uh, yeah, "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle"? That has to be the gayest sentence ever uttered.

Samantha

He must be marrying her for the money!

Carrie

He doesn't need the money. He was one of the original investors in A Chorus Line.

Miranda

Just when you thought you'd never hear a phrase gayer than "Mr. Broadway has to go tinkle."