Scrubs · Season 1
Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
[unison approval]
[suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!
Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Thank God you've procreated.
I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—
My mom calls me Thunder.
I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Tough break there, Thunder.
YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!
[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]
Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Jordan, I hate this.
Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]
Up yours, Bobbo.
Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Outstanding.
I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
[walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
That question wasn't directed at you!
What question?
[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]
[noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
[calling] What it do, Beardface?
It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Calm down, Seymour.
If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
HA! Dr. Face.
DAMN you all!
My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.
[Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone]
Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
[looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!
That's not your kid.
I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
That's a girl.
Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!
I'm going to say something to you that's been said to me by every person I've ever loved: I'm really disappointed in you. You are pathetic and weak and I don't love you any more, GET OUT!
What have you been doing all day?
Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Ah, the restraining order.
[smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...
[In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Yep, that's how it starts.
[Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?
Nice!
Chicks, huh. They're all soft and cuddly but you never get to be with one.
Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
