Scrubs quotes

Fine. Let me just tell you how it ends. Dr. Phil says, "And how is that working out... for you?" And then the big fat lady cries, waah. Alright. I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of Residency Director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this god forsaken hellhole?

It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And since my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so darn jolly. [Laughs] GO!

Danni

Unrequited love sucks, you know?

J.D.

You know what we need to do, uhhh...?

Danni

Danni.

J.D.

J.D.

Danni

Hi.

J.D.

Hi. Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes, no more waiting for the phone to ring, no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in hopes that she'll be so grateful she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and maybe have sex with you after.

Danni

Did that work?

J.D.

I stole the wrong purse. [Voiceover] And yes.

Jordan

I'm having second thoughts about our giant nanny. She's lovely and all, but every time the fridge is empty, she looks at our son like he's a plate of ribs.

Well, you shoulda let me hire the really skinny model. At least if she ate Jack, she'd throw him up right after.

Danni

What are you doing here?

I called him. Lookit, after shooting my mouth off the other night I've been feeling a lot of... well...

Jordan

Guilt.

No, not that.

J.D.

Guilt?

Yes, that.

I... I don't like her to be right.

Elliot

But Dr. Cox, Dr. Kelso said-

Ughssssh- I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth unless, of course, it's "I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler; hello, Mussolini. Captain Kanagaroo! That's weird!" Don't you see, Barbie? I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of... dolphin sex.

Elliot

Dolphin trainer sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.

I hear that's a shame. Because the dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad. We are moving on.

J.D.

You heard him, people- we're moving on.

[Groans] Oh, God, help me.

J.D.

God help him.

Carla, I have a six-month old child, I'm gonna be one of those weird old guys who brings my son down to the park, where everybody is like, "Hmm, is he the dad, is he the grandad, is he the grandad's grandad and oh my God, why is he pushing a traffic cone on the swing while his five-year old little boy is in the mud crying? Is—is he taunting the little boy? No! He can't even see the little boy, and, now look: he's actually taking the traffic cone, putting it in the minivan and driving away while the little boy cries and the traffic cone sits quietly and watches Finding Nemo on DVD."

Do you...do you think that my son will like me?

Carla

Oh, God no.

Elliot

Oh my God! She has a tattoo of a teardrop on her bajingo! Is it sad?

Carla

Her vagina, Elliot. She has a tattoo on her beautiful vagina.

Turk

This just isn't fair, not fair at all it's ridiculous! [storms off, Elliot follows him]

Carla

[looking at the picture] It does look a little sad. They always do.

Jordan

[kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.

[laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!

Elliot

Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?

Carla

[sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.

Elliot

Really? God I wish I was ethnic.

Carla

Come on, Turk! I've got two minutes left in my break; how long is this surgery gonna take?

Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make an incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that's he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's... a grind.

J.D.

She’s not moving in permanently, she’s just crashing for a while.

Laverne

Mmm hmmm.

About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to crash for a while. Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment centre and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice, I don’t even know anymore.

Turk

If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.

Carla

That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!

Turk

[to J.D.] Tell her.

J.D.

His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.

Turk

It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.

J.D.

Mmm... and I would love her too!

Carla

New low.

As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.

[taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?

J.D.

[whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.

Yes, nervous guy?

What's "up Doc"?

Carla

[to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.

J.D.

Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]

Carla

[to Elliot] Was that racist?

Elliot

Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?

Carla

...Maybe.