Hey, dudes.
Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Okay, guess what flavor baby food this is.
KKeith
Cab driver feet?
I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Thank you for the sacrifice.
It's because I love you.
[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]
Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
BBeardface
It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!
I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
JJanitor
Punch a whale.
Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
JFJesus figurine
No abortions!
What if the parents are both drug addicts who'd neglect and abuse the child?
JFJesus figurine
Oh, in that case it would be OK.
Really?
JFJesus figurine
NO abortions! How are you not getting this?!
Anyway, I was thinking we need new table linens for the dining room. Well, not so much table linens as placemats. What do you think's prettier, burgundy or mauve?
[While Jordan continues to talk continuously] What the hell's with her?
She's mad, but she can't give me the "silent treatment", because she knows I'd actually love that, so she's giving me the "talk until I want to commit suicide treatment".
Sucks to be you.
You have no idea. [Doctor Kelso walks off]
[is still talking as Doctor Cox starts eating his newspaper] What else do I need for that — OH! I need new pillow shams and I — I like cotton, but I think we should get a cotton blend because that's easier to clean and I hate ironing. Maybe we need a new housekeeper — maybe the housekeeper should come every single day now...
I'm not telling Isabella she's got a vagina until she's 18!
That's gonna be an awkward birthday party.
Do not tell my daughter she has a vagina! I'm serious! [Points threateningly at Elliot, J.D. and Kim] Hm? Hm?! Hmmm?!?
It may have already come up.
A tip jar. Really? So what am I supposed to do, just duke you my change because you poured hot water through beans? Well, I'll tell you what, my friend, unless you're also planning on giving me a complimentary reach-around with my beverage, I'm afraid the answer is yeah-no. Here's a novel idea: Why don't you go fetch me a very large cup of coffee with so damn many fake sugars in it that the coffee itself gets cancer. [slouches away]
Guys, guys, I got a good one. Is it me, or does...
EEveryone
[monotone] ...someone need to switch to decaf?
Lay off of Elliot. She doesn't watch as much old TV as we do.
You actually stood up for me! But, now I'm forced to ask...
EEveryone
[monotone again] ...who are you and what have you done with Turk?
[shrieking] Stop finishing my awesome jokes!
[holding his ears] Oh my God!
[voiceover] The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing, is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
HDr. Hedrick
Need help, old friend?
Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing, give her a pep talk, stat!
I can't believe you can get heart failure from being sad. How do you treat that?
[Cut to fantasy; a man is flatlining.]
This man is coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!
[J.D. tips the kittens over the man, who comes back to life and smiles.]
J.D. Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches and erectile dysfunction.
[Cut back from fantasy.]
Wouldn't I be a great spokesman for things?
[After Elliot turns a patient over to him.] You're giving orders to me? OMG Barboo, you make me want to LOL.
[Stares]
I just discovered texting. I'm a little late in the game, I know, but that doesn't make you any more of a G-A-B-P-I-T-A-W-M-M-W-number two-D.
Excuse me?
Giant Annoying Bangsy Pain In The Ass Who Makes Me Want To... Die.
[Keith is dressed in a one-piece wrestling outfit]
Hey, nice singlet! Does it come in hetero?
I haven't sung since the sixth grade talent show when I sang Pat Benatar's "Hell Is For Children". Then at the end, Mr. Shaman the emcee said "No, hell is for everyone who heard you sing that song." My mom was so mad at him that she slept with him and ruined his marriage.
[singing] You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
[to Mrs. Miller] Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.
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