Scrubs quotes

J.D.

[narration] Even though I was already an amazing doctor, when I became chief resident I decided to add a little something extra to my repertoire. A hook, if you will.

J.D.

[into recorder] Mrs. McCullum, forties. Moderately attractive, condition improving.

Did you just say I was moderately attractive?

J.D.

Excuse me, Mrs. McCullum. [into recorder] Patient's complaint of hearing loss was clearly just to get attention.

J.D.

Lonnie, slap your face!

J.D.

All of you, slap your faces!

J.D.

Awesome.

J.D.

What happened?

Dan

What, a guy can't take three days off work, travel 800 miles on a bus with a double-layer fudge cake just to say "hey, how are things?"

J.D.

Dan.

Dan

...Dad died.

J.D.

...There's ice cream in the fridge.

Let's break down the kid's support system, shall we? He's got me, an emotionally crippled narcissist, and he's got you, an emotionally crippled narcissist who is soaking in a tub of what by now has to be mostly your own urine.

Dan

I believe the ratio has shifted that way, yes.

And I have got to believe that the two of us, together—together, Dan—we can make it at least half-way to one legitimate adult.

Molly

Perry, no one's pure evil! I mean, yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside, everybody has a creamy center.

There are plenty of people here on this particular planet who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside.

Molly

So they'd have more of a nougaty center?

Lady, people aren't chocolates. D'you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine.

Molly

[Rubs his stomach] I'm touching your creamy center!

Oh, I am... so very angry... that I'm going to find someone to kill...just to prove her wrong.

Bob, do you realize what you did by giving Blondie that book?

Dr. Kelso

With any luck, I kept her from reporting me to the Board for trying to con her out of meds.

Thanks to your little gesture, she actually believes that the earth is full of people who, deep down, are filled with kindness and caring!

Dr. Kelso

Well, that's absurd. People are bastard-coated bastards with a bastard filling.

Exactly!

Molly

I'm sorry, I'm attracted to damaged, dysfunctional people and you're just too normal.

J.D.

[narration] Sometimes all it takes is a slammin' hottie to make you dig down deep and discover who you really are.

J.D.

My emotional journey began at five years old when I walked in on my parents having sex in a position my father would later playfully describe as "the jackhammer." I have a mentor that verbally abuses me every chance he gets and no matter how much I try I can't stop constantly narrating my own life.

J.D.

[narration] At that very moment I feared I had divulged too much.

J.D.

Molly, I'm narcissistic, I'm pessimistic, I'm obsessive, I'm insecure and I am so afraid of intimacy that every one of my relationships is a journey of self-sabotage that inevitably ends in a black vacuum of shattered expectations and despair.

Molly

Wow. [kisses J.D.]

J.D.

What are you doing?!

It's been four years! How do you not get how this works?!

J.D.

[narration] Wait, is she into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if she laughs. [to Neena] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.

Neena Broderick

[laughs] That's really funny.

J.D.

[narration] Well, that's not a fair test, that joke's hilarious.

[to Neena] Okay, missy. Knowing damn sure that you'll sue us if the slightest thing should go wrong with this elective procedure, we're gonna go ahead and elect not to do it.

Neena

You can't do that.

Really? Bob?

Dr. Kelso

Hospitals can refuse treatment on a non-emergency patient. Here's a list of places we can refer you to. Thanks for playing.

Neena Broderick

Mr. Corman is contending that the shoulder surgery he received ruined his tennis serve. I'm going to start by asking Dr. Turk if his diabetes could have affected his performance in any way.

Dr. Kelso

[to Turk] You're a diabetic?

Turk

Yes. I told you that.

Dr. Kelso

I thought you were joking!

Turk

How is that funny?

Dr. Kelso

Well, it's a very serious disease, and I don't like you!

(to Elliot) Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.

Elliot

Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!

Murray

[to his father] ...If you need a kidney you can have mine... for $70,000.

I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.

The good news is that, Murray and his dad are a match, kidney wise. The better news is that the test revealed a little secret that you're gonna wanna share with your new pal. Gregory isn't Murray's biological father! By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one, and raise a family of tiny, little moments.

J.D.

(narrating) I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.

Dr. Kelso

Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.

J.D.

It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!

You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?