Chevy Chase quotes from Saturday Night Live

Chevy Chase

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among them listed are Elliot Richardson, Charles Percy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brooke of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brooke, a black man, will not actually be a choice for a running mate, but that "The President will put his name as a token of his appreciation.

Chevy Chase

Well, the popular TV personality known as Professor Backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of 'Pleh, pleh!'

Chevy Chase

The Smothers Brothers announced this week that they are splitting up. Dick Smothers says he want to spend more time with his family; Tommy will continue his career as soon as he breaks in a new brother.

Chevy Chase

Good evening, I'm God! Let's take a look at tonight's top stories, shall we?

Chevy Chase

Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.

Chevy Chase

(on the phone) Don't worry. I'll do Jiminy Cricket.

Chevy Chase

Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.

Chevy Chase

Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.

Chevy Chase

Well, the results of the election are in. Gerald Ford: 0. Jimmy Carter: 0. More on this as it develops.

Chevy Chase

And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. Our top story tonight...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT!!!

Chevy Chase

President Ford flew to Paris for a summit conference, and boy, are his arms tired!

PRESIDENT FORD FLEW TO PARIS FOR A SUMMIT CONFERENCE, AND BOY, ARE HIS ARMS TIRED!!!

Chevy Chase

Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TO-MOR-ROW!

Chevy Chase

Uh, Emily?

What?

Chevy Chase

I'm sorry, it's an editorial about cancer research, not canker sores.

Ohhh! I never thought of that! Never mind!

Chevy Chase

Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to out editorials. Here with an editorial reply is Miss Emily Litella.

What's all this fuss I keep hearing about violins on television?

After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen] So, NBC wants to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [His name appeared on screen again] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Anyway, it took NBC 12 shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone like me, Al Franken? [His name appeared again] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know Dick. Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No english-speaking person could do the worst job than Jean. And I think it's time that we should get this tired old format off the air. So if you write for me, Al Franken. [His name appeared again] Just write to: Put SNL To Sleep, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, New York, New York, 10020. And one more thing, me and Tom Davis are hosting Saturday Night Live next week, with musical guest, The Grateful Dead. So watch that. After that, don't watch it anymore.

Chevy Chase

And that's the news, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.