(Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?
Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What's wrong with DJ?
Oh, his death ray broke.
How did that happen?
Oh that's not important.
I'm pregnant.
Are you sure you're not just late?
Yeah, I'm sure, I've got all the signs. I'm nauseous, I'm eating all the time, and oh yeah, my doctor told me I'm pregnant.
Dan (to Ed): What're you doing?
EEd
What's it look like I'm doing? I'm nursing a beer and watching a dirty movie through all these lines.
Why don't you just pay them the extra four bucks and they'll unscramble it?
EEd
Then they'd know I'm in here watching a dirty movie.
No one could eat this crud.
Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.
Mom and Dad are impossible, Mom's fighting with Aunt Jackie, everybody's yelling at everybody else but nobody's saying what they should. Becky, you're a selfish, stupid, heartless spoiled brat!
Roseanne (to Jackie about her date): Make sure you order dessert because I was reading in Cosmo where it says that um, you know, a healthy appetite is considered sexy nowadays...I was so far ahead of my time.
Becky (to Darlene): Why don't you just kiss my butt?!
Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No butt-kissing at the dinner table.
Becky (to Darlene): Do you remember Mark?
From down the street?
No, the guy I went out with.
Oh, yeah! The stupid one.
He's not stupid, he's gorgeous. I mean, you just wish you could meet a guy like that.
Yeah well, if I wait a couple years, he'll be in my grade.
(to Dan) God! You're beginning to sound like Mom!
Hold it! (to Roseanne) If I find that really insulting, will it bother you?
(to Roseanne after arguing with Becky) This whole marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.
Damn, I lose more husbands that way.
Deej, what's goin' on?
It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.
But I wanna live!
[Darlene's Home Ec class is cooking dinner for the Conners]
TTanya
How long do we cook it?
'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're ready.
MMeryl
Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
GGirls
Yeah!
This is a proud, proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real housewives.
[to Kevin Morgan's father] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kick YOUR butt.
Don't encourage him!
Kid's a genius!
He's an extortionist! So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
He IS a genius.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.