(reading a Valentine's Day card from Dan) Though this gift is not what you desired, the message is quite clear. If you need proof of how much I love you, Well, heck Rosey, I'm still here!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
BBarry
Hello. This is Barry Parker. Is this Darlene?
Just a second, Barry. I'll get her. (screams) DARLENE! HURRY! IT'S HIM!
(Becky and Darlene begin to celebrate by screaming and jumping up and down)
OK, I just became the kind of girl I hate. Now gimme the phone.
Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.
[yells] What's that honey?
[yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!
Oh, ok.
Stay sick Dan. When you get well, I am going to kill you.
Darlene's just sort of discovering boys, Brian. In fact, before she met you she thought she was one.
Leon (to Roseanne): I know it's slow, but isn't there something menial you could be doing?
Well, we're talking to you.
Look at these really cool sunglasses.
What do you need those for? You never leave the casino.
That's so nobody can see my eyes when I'm bluffing.
You can't bluff a slot machine.
I don't see why not, you talk to the dice.
If we leave right now and drive at the speed limit, we'll just miss the plane.
Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.
Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...
Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.
[Sitting behind Roseanne on the motorcycle] Wow...suddenly I feel like Ann-Margret in Kitten with a Whip.
I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only $12.50.
What's in it for you?
Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.
You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.
Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.
I just don't want you to hate Mark.
I don't hate Mark.
Mom does.
Oh, Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.
Maybe she was a little uptight.
A little uptight? Hey, man you couldn't drag a needle out of her butt with a tractor.
So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!
I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.