Rock Paper Scissors quotes

Logan

[answers the door] Come in! I see you brought pizza, as a Stephernie would. Please, put it on the table and join the party.

Scissors

Wow, check out all these other Stephernies. Baron Von Snootsberg, Robot Executive.

Paper

Sandpaper, you're a Stephernie, too?

Sandpaper

Of course, we're both career women, and we both have a secret love of ribbon dancing. [gasps] Oh, no. Secret's out.

Scissors

[noticing something] Wait a minute! Someone brought pepperoni pizza, when everyone knows Stephernie's favorite topping is an entire Thanksgiving dinner! Someone here is not a Stephernie! [the others gasp in shock] No one's going anywhere, even if it takes all week, we will find the imposter, and when we do, there will be a severe punishment.

Scissors

I will find this imposter by testing all of you on details only a true Stephernie would know. [to Sandpaper] What's Stephernie's last name?!

Sandpaper

Stephernie.

Scissors

Good. [to Baron Von Snootsberg] Walk like Stephernie! [Baron Von Snootsberg makes monkey moves around the room and hooting like monkey] Good. [to Female Robot Executive] In season 16, episode 2, what does Stephernie say when she arrives at her younger sister's lake house?

Oh, I don't know. You guys are going to kill me. I'm the fraud at the party!

Scissors

That's exactly what she said.

Paper

[nervously] Uh, I have to go to the bathroom… [everyone looks at him, suspicious] in a Stephernie way. [walks to the Rat Bros' bathroom like a monkey]

Yes, that checks out.

Scissors

Yeah, very Stephernie.

Rock

[on the phone with Paper] You snuck into a Stephernie party?! That is shameful behavior.

Paper

[hiding in the bathroom; on the phone with Rock, pacing back and forth] You just said you're breaking into a TV studio!

Rock

For my identity, Paper! My identity is at stake!

Paper

Look, I've never seen an episode. You gotta tell me everything you know about Stephernie.

Rock

Well, she's a pretty simple character. She has a degree in biochemistry, sleeps upside down, and fought in six wars.

Paper

What is this show?

Scissors

[standing up against the bathroom door, having to have heard everything] Not a Stephernie, huh?

Paper

[pleading for mercy] I'm sorry! I just wanted to be a part of something! Don't punish me!

Scissors

[kneels down] Who even are you? Brobby, the Wizard, Cheesy the Iguana?

Paper

Seriously, what is this show?

Listen, Fire Hydrant, I'm your brother. And I don't think this man you're dating is right for you.

I can't help it. I like my men like I like my fires… Smokin'!

Hey, pal. You're the Creepo here. Here's your popsicle stick and your chest hair.

Scissors

I'm sorry, Paper. I should have never tried to dunk you in a vat of hot lava just for not identifying with the same fictional TV character.

Paper

And I'm sorry that-- [realizes] actually, my thing wasn't that bad.

Paper

It's "The Paper Show"! Get ready for a one-man show starring Paper and his many talents. [Logan gets up and walks away] The greatest juggling act you've ever seen in three... two... [throws some things which are deadly and screams] Hey, dummy. Want to sing as I drink milk? [drinks milk and notices a dummy is not singing] No. Gonna do some improv for you. I just need a word to get started.

Scissors

Jacket!

Paper

Can I get another word?

Pencil

Circus!

Paper

Can I get a fruit that's round and orange?

Rock

Kumquat!

Paper

[rapping] When I say "Paper", you say "rules". Paper-

No.

Potato

I don't even know how I got here.

Paper

Eh. I just don't like fart jokes.

Rock

What did you say?

Paper

I don't think they're funny.

Scissors

Not even Long Squeakers?

Pencil

Butt Trumpets?

Rock

Wet and Nasties?

Paper

Ew, what? No.

Scissors

[to Pencil and Rock] Guys, drop any plans you had. It's time we prove to Paper that fart jokes… are funny.

Paper

[mumbling to himself while working] Stupid Euclid. Easy to be smart when you were alive. There were only, like, three numbers back then.

Scissors

Hey, Paper. What are you working on?

Paper

[turns around with an angry face] I did it. You didn't believe in me, but I created a tabletop fusion reactor that can produce unlimited clean energy!

Rock

Whoa.

Scissors

Now this is a winner. The judges are gonna love it.

Paper

Yeah, and then I'm gonna hurricane kick them in the face! [karate kicks a wall and runs off]

Rock

We might have made him a little too angry.

Scissors

Yeah. If he kicks a judge, he's definitely gonna lose. Then he'll be sad and angry.

Rock

[to Paper who's stomping, kicking, and growling] Paper, your invention is amazing. I'm proud of you now, and always.

Paper

Thanks, Rock. I really appreciate that.

Paper

Scissors, I forbid you from sledding down that hill. It's a slippery slope straight to the emergency room. Also, don't add anything I didn't say during this flashback. I'm a big stick-in-the-mud, poopy-pants, poop-poop guy.

Rock

[runs up to Scissors who's lying on the ground] Scissors, are you alright?

Scissors

[sits up] Oh, my arm.

Rock

[looks at Scissors' right arm] Looks okay to me. [sees his broken left arm] Oh, the broken arm.

Scissors

[whining] Rock, I can't move it. I think it's stuck like this.

Rock

Don't worry. I got a first aid kit from Chad's Medical School. [opens the case and springs pop out of it] It's also a comedy school.

Scissors

[groans]

Rock

We gotta get Paper.

Scissors

No! You know Paper. He's gonna say, "I was right" like he always does, and turn it into a whole production. We just have to hide this from him until my arm heals. Are you with me?

Rock

I'm with you. [high fives Scissors, causing him to scream in pain and his arm starts throbbing] Oh, right. Your arm.

Paper

[tries to turn on the lamp but it doesn't work] Huh, bulb's dead. I should probably go to the store and get a new one. [he goes to the roof instead] However did I get here? Oh, perhaps Rock's right. It seems irresponsible to- [he catapults the lamp into the sky and laughs joyfully] I’M FINALLY ALIVE!!!! I got to find more stuff. [whistles but accidentally breaks a toaster] Whoops! Guess I gotta catapult this toaster. [accidentally breaks the chair] Oh, no! Can't sit on a broken chair… Guess I gotta catapult that too. [tries to push the fridge to make it fall] And is this fridge gonna fall? [straining] Is this… fridge… gonna… Ah, come on!

Rock

Paper, are you breaking things to justify catapulting them?

If you're not going to mow my lawn, I'll make you mow my lawn!

[while wearing a horse costume] You wouldn't hurt a horse, would you?

Pencil

But we hiked up this mountain together, and I don't know to get back home!

Scissors

There's no time, Pencil! There's no time for anything!

Flub-Bub?

Rock

Flub-Bub wants to go to Lobster Fest.

Paper

Oh, there's definitely time for Lobster Fest.

Potato

Oh, this is bad. We're gonna miss Lobster Fest.

I loved that helicopter ride, Flub-Bub. It was so romantic.

Rock

Oh, no. He's running out of conversation.

Scissors

Quick! Feed him a line!

Paper

Uh… [touches his ear that is under a headset with his finger] Flub-Bub.

Flub-Bub!

[swoons] Oh, Flub-Bub.

Scissors

Good save, Paper. I think we just avoided a huge catastrophe.

[turns into a giant alien monster called a Flub-Bubby, causing the Waitress to scream and run away; in deep voice] Flub-Bubby!

Rock

Oh.

Scissors

Right.

Paper

Totally forgot about that.

Scissors

You know calculators are usually smaller than that, right? And don't run on someone shoveling in coal?

Paper

Whatever, it works.