[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]
Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--
It's not goin' in the spank bank.
It better not.
I promise.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.
No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.
I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.
What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?
Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.
Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.
Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.
KKenny
Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die.
Why the nun still goin' full steam?
KKenny
Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--
[walks in] The tsunami speech again?
KKenny
I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.
[Nona kisses Tommy] Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh….
Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.
Get out of my truck.
Wh--?
No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
No, no, but I'm serious.
Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.
Oh my God, this is it. This is the end of the line.
W-W-What?
Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.
Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?
Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.
Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?
Why?
Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.
That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.
Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.
I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?
No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.
Yeah.
It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.
Hugging?
Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.
Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...
Spooning.
Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?
Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?
Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.
Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]
I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.
Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...
Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.
Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?
Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.
Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?
You know, you just don't get it, Franco.
No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. Come on.
You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.
Watch it, Franco.
I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.
[to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?
Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.
Well, then screw you, too.
Well, he was a coward.
Watch it Tom, okay?
He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--
Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse for the guy?--
Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was a cold storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. Wanna talk about being brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.
It's not you, okay? It's uh... It's uh, I've been, uh, since around the time that you pulled me out of that fire, I was having the same problem with this chick I was seein' then.
Oh, good.
And it's just become this whole mental thing, I just-- I mean, normally, I'm tellin' 'ya a strong breeze could get me hard.
Oh, good. Let's open the window, then.
[on the phone] Listen, you gotta give me a second chance here, okay?
I need a man to handle me the way I handled you last night, okay?
Okay, you know what, I was planning on doing plenty of man handling but when we got inside that truck, you were like a crazed animal, you grabbed me, you ripped my shirt open, I- I just kinda-- I was just following in your wake, you know? You were throwing me around like I was a rag doll, treating me like I was some kind of sex toy. At that one point when you flung me from the back seat of the truck to the front seat, I-- I mean, my neck almost snapped in half. I really--
Look, Tommy, I don't wanna hear about death and feelings and penis problems. Look, I wanna be used, I wanna be ignored, I wanna be taken for granted.
There are no penis problems, okay? And I'm telling you something, when it comes to using and ignoring those are like two of my best things. And takin' chicks for granted? I'm the king of takin' chicks for granted. I mean, ask my wife, ask Sheila, okay? She'll tell 'ya.
Ugh. Good bye, Tommy. [hangs up]
I love you Teresa. You're really important to me, you know, but the way things have been going... I mean, anything that we do with our clothes on, it-- it just feels like filler until we get into bed. ... Or into the shower, or on top of the kitchen table, or... in the alley behind the building. I just-- I think we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and lets see what we really have. And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.
TTeresa
I love you, too, honey.
[after they are told they can't have anything with sexual, racial, religious, or ethnic themes in their lockers] Look, now I don't know about you guys, but I need naked chick pictures in my locker, alright? You know, I come back from a job and I'm thinking about rubbing one out in the shower. Looking at an American flag ain't gonna grease the rails, you know what I mean? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the American flag, but I'm used to saluting it, not jerkin' off to it.
Whoa, wait a second. You're jerkin' off in this shower here?
Sometimes.
I'm buyin' flip flops, like six pairs.
[about Jerry's ashes] You know, what if it's not really the Chief in there?
You know, the kid's got a point. I mean, it's ashes, for all we know it could be Anna Nicole Smith.
Well, does silicone burn?
Not in that quantity.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.