TV show quotes
All women play mind games about sex.
S-so, when you told me that I was the best...
Depends on the night.
An-And what about that time, you told me that, I-I lasted the longest?
Also depends on the night.
And that whole thing about me being the biggest?
Oh, well that part was true. [Tommy's expression changes] See how easy that is?
[after Sheila drives up in a Porsche] Mid life crisis much?
Oh, shit. I don't need to reach mid-life to have a crisis. That kicked in after the time I lost my virginity.
Let me fill you in on little somethin' about the bible. The bible is to the Catholic church what The Godfather is to the mafia, y'know? Yeah, the catholic church is the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet. I did 12 years in that... penal system, y'know? All these gangsters walk around, thinkin' they run the world at any moment in time. You know, like Gotti|, Gambino|, Castellano, y'know, whoever. They all learn the same lesson, though. At any given time on this planet, the biggest gangster is always the pope.
Where's her lunch?
Oh, yeah, I forgot that this morning, but she can just grab something at school.
The food at school tastes like poo.
Well, how would you know what poo tastes like?
I use my imagination.
Okay, do me a favor. Use your imagination for something a little more constructive, like, reading or writing, okay? [hands her money] Okay, have a good day. Say good bye to your brother.
He smells like poo.
He's supposed to smell like poo, he's a baby.
[to Black Shawn] You know what? Let me tell you something. If you were working the morning of 9/11 you'd feel the same way as me, okay. I don't care who you believe in, whether it's God or Allah or Mohammad or L. Ron Hubbard, okay? Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning, was managing the master plan, he showed his cards that morning, he doesn't give a shit, okay?
[after they come back from the fire that killed 7 kids] You know, a lot of us, me included, you know, we say that the heros are the guys who don't make it back to the house. But tonight, you're my goddamn heroes. That was a ball buster, and everyone of 'ya did what you were supposed to do. Includin' the new guy. I'm goddamn proud to be workin' with a crew like this. Any minute that alarm is gonna go and we will have to make run because some fat broad got her big ass stuck in a tub or some asshole went off the rails on some west side highway. He's all banged up, but he's still alive because he's as high as a goddamn kite. We are gonna answer those calls the same way we answered this one tonight; balls to the wall, gentlemen. If anybody needs me, I'm gonna be in my office... I'm gonna call my wife and kids and have a nice big mug of Jack Daniels.
[on the phone] So, I saw the baby fire in the news.
Jesus Christ. The baby fire? They're still callin' it the baby fire, I guess. You know, why don't they call it the '16 appliances plugged into one wall socket fire', how about that, huh?
Yeah, I know, Tom. I'm just sayin' what they're sayin.
Or how about 'God doesn't really give a shit about poor black kid's fire', how about that name, huh? It's unbelievible to me, it really is. What was God thinkin' here, Mick? What do you think? What did he have in mind?
We don't know. Maybe he was showin' his mercy, maybe he was savin' these kids from a fate far worse down the line somewhere. Either way, it's out of our hands.
Well, lemme tell 'ya somethin', okay? We carried those goddamn kids out in our goddamn hands because their moron parents plugged in faulty space heaters because they were tryin' to keep warm, 'cause their shit-ass landlords were too cheap to keep the goddamn heat on. God had nothin' to do with it, okay? God doesn't even venture into the equation, okay? But according to your theory, I guess God had Connor run over by a drunk driver, why? So he can spare him the fate, of maybe having cancer of the ass when he was 42 years old? Is that what's goin' on, Mick?
Or maybe because of his DNA he becomes a raging alcoholic and gets behind the wheel with a load on and runs over somebody else's innocent kid 15 years from now. Maybe that's what's happenin'. Did you ever think of that, huh? Tom? ... Tom?
Yeah. Nobody knows nothin', Mick. Not until it happens.
You're wrong. Everything happens for a reason.
I still feel so bad. Her cheating on you... with me... that bitch.
Well, you know, it's not the first time she cheated on anyone.
So, she's done it before?
She was a nun when I met her so technically, you know, she was married to Jesus.
I guess that makes you the other man. [laughs] That's a mighty impressive takeaway on your part.
Yeah, well, I'm real proud about that. Even if it means I'm takin' the express train to hell.
But look, it was worth it, right?
No, not really. ... You know, I mean, you're family, Mike. That's what's important, you know, family, that... that unbreakable bond. And I'm willing to forgive and forget.
Bros before hoes, right?
Bros before hoes.
Now, let's get shitfaced and make it official.
[during a timeout, to the basketball team] 'Kay, guys let's huddle up. Yeah, I got nothin' to say, 'cause you guys are playing like the goddamn Celtics out there, it's just amazing. I mean, the Larry Bird, 1980's championship Celtics, okay? I mean, I got no notes, you know. So, what I think we should do, just to make things look better, I'm gonna draw a giant vagina on this little board here. While I'm doing that, you guys all make it look like I'm drawin' some sort of stratgy, okay? Instead of the giant kind of, vagina that I'm drawing, y'know, which really is the point of all this. I mean, really the reason why you play sports is to meet girls. So, what I want you to is, look at this giant black and white vagina that I'm drawing here, and then I want you to go out and I want you to score another 55 points, so we can all get laid and we can all make more money.
Teresa: Oh, wait. There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs, and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also, the box of edible panties would be great.
I um... I ate all the edible panties.
Teresa: You ate the panties... Great. [walks off]
Chocolate flavored?
Yeah, and vanilla and strawberry. I had a Neapolitan thing goin'.
You're tryin' to get me to date the Chief's daughter, aren't you?
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes!
Yes.
Yes.
Yes, I am. Yeah, look it's a career move, Tom. Number one, you're takin' out the Chief's goddamn daughter, okay? Number two, you're gettin' my ass out of the fire. Number three, you're winning very valuable brownie points with Lou. Okay, look, I know I owe you 5 grand from the Great Lou Depression of last year. If you take her back, I will pay you back 7 grand. [Tommy moves closer to him] You take her out and I'm gonna give you back, 7,500 dollars. [Tommy moves closer] I'm gonna give you-- Aw, Christ, Tommy, you know I don't have that kinda money. Why don't you say something?
He asked you first, didn't he?
No!
Yes!
No!
Yes.
Yes!
Yes, yes. Yeah, I knew. I knew. Yeah.
[on the phone] Hey.
Hey, how's it goin'?
She hasn't ordered any food, okay?
Oh, that's perfect. She's a cheap date. Cheaper than Sherry Feldman.
Yeah, okay. She's also a repeater.
She farts a lot?
I mean, every time I say somethin' she repeats it back to me, okay?
Tom, that's perfect. All you gotta say is 'I'd like to take you to my car and blow you', and she repeats it back, and you say 'yes', bingo!
When's Tommy comin' back?
Why?
Because it's not like him to call in sick. Whenever I do, he calls me a pussy.
Well, number 1, you are a pussy. Number 2, he's fine, a little stomach virus.
[seeing the destruction in the apartment] Holy shit. What is this?
Janet and I got into a little bit of a thing.
You were drinkin', or...?
No, no. Jesus, no.
Listen, I know your marriage is kinda goin' south but...
No, no, no. This isn't the marriage, no, no. She-- She had... That was about the marriage. The table and the kitchen. And then, she split. And then... this fire uh.. you know, broke out in the bedroom, so you know, I tried to go in the main door and that was uh... I couldn't get in there. [motions to the hole in the wall and door] So, I tried going through here, to put it out, but as it turns out once I got through the wall, there... there was no fire.
Time for a meetin'.
Yeah. Lemme... Lemme just put the axe away.
What do I look like to you?
Well, you look fantastic.
No, I don't mean how do I look, I mean what do I look like? Do you see a door when you look at me? I mean, a door that you're just gonna go through to escape? You know, I'm not some random means of destruction to end your relationship because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. I'm not gonna be used that way.
I'm not usin' you, Alicia. I love you.
Oh, don't say that.
I do. I love you.
You don't know what you're talking about.
So, now you're sayin' what I feel isn't real?
Not what you feel. You have to make some choices.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
