Red Dwarf quotes

Welcome, brothers, we bring food and medical supplies.

Poor devil, his gun must have gone off accidentally.

Welcome, my children, we bring you balms and tinctures.

We would be pleased to sing you healing hymns!

Lister

Is he dead?

Rimmer

We can only hope.

I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life, and then... I'm going to have you.

Kryten

Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?

Lister

What are you implying?

Kryten

No implication intended, sir.

Lister

Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.

Kryten

That's one option.

Lister

Any alternatives?

Kryten

None that occur.

Rimmer

This venom -- are we safe in here?

Lister

It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.

Rimmer

It's coming straight for us.

Lister

There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.

Cat

To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!

Cat

Don't fish swim south for the winter?

Kryten

No, sir. That's birds.

Cat

Birds swim south for the winter? How do they breathe?

Lister

Why would a haddock kill itself? ...Why am I even asking that question?

Rimmer

I know that, emotionally speaking, this isn't the news you want to hear right now. But there's a blob on the sonar scope the size of New Mexico and it's heading your way.

I think our friend the Suicide Squid is about to put in an appearance.

Kryten

Where is it, precisely?

Rimmer

Directly above you. Two thousand fathoms and diving.

Lister

Oh, thanks a lot, Rimmer. You know the state we're in and you have to go and give us news like that. You couldn't have lied?

Rimmer

I was lying. It's only one thousand fathoms.

Rimmer

Kryten, open the next one.

Kryten

Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering whoever I am around, because almost certainly, whoever I am, I'm not the kind of guy who's gonna take any crap from whoever you are. So before you start ordering me around, let's establish if I'm the kind of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or if I'm the kind of guy who gets all uptight about being ordered around by whatever the kind of guy you are.

Rimmer

All I said was open the next one.

Cat

What the hell happened to my teeth? I could open beer bottles with my overbite!

Cat

No, no! I don't want to be Duane Dibbley!

So this is really me? A no-style gimbo with teeth the Druids could use as a place of worship?

[reading] "Vote Fascist for a Third Glorious Decade of Total Law Enforcement"?

[reading] "Be a Government Informer. Betray Your Family & Friends. Fabulous Prizes to be Won"?

Halt or I will fire.

[in pursuit] Move, Voters!

[Grabbing Billy Doyle-Rimmer] Move an inch and I'll crush every bone in your body.

You helped an enemy of Democracy escape. She was stealing an apple of the people.

[flashing ID] Bullet. Cybernautics.

That's traffic control. Kneel, Voters! You are under sentence of death.

[to Sebastian-Lister] Come out of the shadows, Voter.

What's the beef? Did she steal your lunch box?

M... mm... many apologies, Voter Colonel. Had I known it was you... [stands to attention and averts his gaze] forgive me.

You know me?

Of course, Voter Colonel.

Who am I?

You are Colonel Sebastian Doyle, Section Chief of CGI, Head of the Ministry of Alteration.

Remind me a little: what do we do at the Ministry of Alteration?

You... change people, Sir.

In what way?

You change them from being alive people, to being dead people. To purify Democracy.

Purify?

[proudly] No one has done more to purge the ballot boxes than the Voter Colonel.

So why has he been away for 4 years then?

Excuse me, Voter Colonel, but is this some sort of test?

Answer him.

The rumour was that you had grown weary of your glorious duties and had gone away in secret to renew yourself.

Rimmer

This is a nightmare! I'm on the run from the Fascist Police with a murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a Bri-Nylon shirt!