Kryten! Are you okay, man?
I have a medium-sized fire axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day.
Quarantine
They've been naughty, haven't they, Mr Flibble?
?"Mr Flibble"
Yes.
What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr Flibble?
?"Mr Flibble"
Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex vison.
HLDr. Hildegarde Lanstrom
Schopenhauer was right, wouldn't you say? Life without pain has no meaning. Gentlemen! I wish to give your lives meaning...
HLDr. Hildegarde Lanstrom
(over radio) Hello, my name is Doctor Hildegarde Lanstrom and I'm quite, quite mad.
(jokingly) Are you really? How absolutely splendid.
HLDr. Hildegarde Lanstrom
I have a riddle for you. What's dead, and dead, and dead all over?
Give in Doctor Fruitloop, do tell me.
LDr. Lanstrom
(Sing-song voice) Yoooooooooooooooooooou! (The console explodes)
Well we know what to get you for Christmas: a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.
[discussing the looming 3 months in quarantine]
Sir, it's a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.
Is it?
Hm, the most popular pastimes have always been ones that males can enjoy alone. Angling, golf and of course the all time number one.
It's not just humans, look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them winds up on the others toothpick.
Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats. Even vultures when they're in captivity.
What are you saying to me? 'Vultures need personal space'? They need time alone to put their feet up and read 'What Carcass?' magazine?
[after 5 days]
I'm just saying, there's 79 more days to go.
And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.
Do you mind if I ask why?
Well, let's forget the noise and the revolting burbling sound and get straight to the really gross part when you always, and I do mean ALWAYS, having blown your nose, you have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do expect to see in there? A Turner seascape perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?
Gentlemen... your conversation makes interesting listening.
Rimmer, is that you?
Oh, yes...
How long have you been listenin'?
Two, maybe three hours...
Well nobody's got any disease, man.
We're clean.
You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.
No-one's got any virus, and no-one's smeggin' nuts!
Well that's good.
[The lights come up, and Rimmer is shown sitting wearing a red and white gingham dress and army boots]
Is something amiss?
Hell no! What could possibly be amiss?
You don't think anything's amiss? I'm wearing a red and white checked gingham dress... and army boots... and you think nothing is amiss?
I can't let you out.
Why not?
Because the King of the Potato People wont let me. (laughter) I begged him, I got down on my knees, and wept. He wants to keep you here... Keep you here for ten years.
Can we see him?
See who?
The King.
Do you have a magic carpet?
Yeh...a little three seater!
So let me get this straight: you want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people, and plead with him for your freedom... and you're telling me you're completely sane? I think that calls for two hours of W-O-O.
[panicked] What's W-O-O?
You had to ask...
With... Out.. Oxygen! Two hours without oxygen. That'll teach you to be breadbaskets! (fades)
Mr Flibble is very cross, you shouldn't have run away from him. What are we going to do with them Mr Flibble?
[Rimmer raises his arm to his ear and Mr Flibble 'whispers' into Rimmer's ear]
(pretending to be shocked, mock-gasps) We can't possibly do that! Who'd clear up the mess?
(after ramming his head on a metal column) Aah, that's better. Maybe now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MALDAVIAN PEOPLE!!!!
Demons & Angels
Rude alert! Rude alert! An electrical fire has knocked out my voice recognition unicycle! Many Wurlitzers are missing from my database. Abandon shop! This is not a daffodil. Repeat: This is not a daffodil.
Well, thankfully Holly's unaffected.
I'll tell you one thing. I've been to a parallel universe, I've seen time running backwards, I've played pool with planets and I've given birth to twins, but I never thought in my entire life I'd taste an edible Pot Noodle.
These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
You mean hippies.
With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
HCHigher Cat
We find clothes to be a distraction from the pursuit of spiritual and intellectual fulfillment.
Really? I find spiritual and intellectual fulfillment to be a distraction from the pursuit of clothes.
That's eighty klicks. We should be clear of any possible blast zone.
You really think it's gonna blow?
This can't be happening.
Nothin's gonna happen. We're just here as a precaution. The whole ship's full of fail-safes anyway. Cooling systems, containment panels, vacuum shields. The actual chances of it blowin' are about one in -
Lister (Subdued): One.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red Dwarf pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.