Sabrina quotes from Raising Hope

Sabrina

You gonna go? I didn't really think you were the Vegas type.

Jimmy

That's because you only really know "Daddy" Jimmy. You don't know "sex in the back of my van with a serial killer" Jimmy. I used to be a wild man before this little ball-and-chain came and threw a wet blanket on my party fire.

Sabrina

Oh.

Jimmy

She is cute, though, isn't she? Oh, Daddy can't do nothing anymore now you came along, you little cutie patootie. [babbling baby talk]

Sabrina

You need to party.

We don't care for Jeremy; he's a bit difficult.

Sabrina

Jeremy's a fart face.

Sabrina

"Yo, my parents named me Frank, 'cause they love tube-shaped meat."

Jimmy

Let me do the lady. "I'll take a quarter pound of the chicken salad."

Sabrina

But that's what she would probably say.

Jimmy

I know. That's why I said it.

Sabrina

Yeah, you don't get what we're doing, do you?

Sabrina

So I take it Burt's relationship with his parents is kind of estranged?

Virginia

Oh, no, it's completely strange.

Sabrina

Two malaprops in a row. God, I love this family.

Jimmy

Hey, what are you guys doing?! You promised me you weren't gonna see the movie!

Frank

To be fair, we never thought you'd find out.

Barney

Sorry, James. It looks funny. I did it for employee morale. Not yours, of course. If you were anyone but you, you'd understand.

Sabrina

Guys, I got a purse full of licorice--Ooh! [holds up piece of licorice to her lip like a mustache, speaks in Italian accent] Mama mia! A-what-a Christmas is this! I got to go to make-a de pizza.

Sabrina

You think he bought that?

Sabrina

What are you still doing here, dirtbag? You looking to rob the place? What are you looking at her for? You think she's prettier than me? Huh? Think these were a waste of money?

Jimmy

No, no! They're worth every penny! Please, I need your help.

Sabrina

Why would I help you?

Jimmy

Because underneath that 30 pounds of perfectly molded silicone, I know there's the heart of a good person. God, I wish I had $20.

Jimmy

I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...

Sabrina

...We should probably talk about this.

Jimmy

Okay. Are you robbing me?

Jimmy

Hey, how's it going!

Sabrina

[shocked screaming]

Jimmy

Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.

Sabrina

[screaming incoherently]

Jimmy

I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!

Sabrina

[panicked, terrified screaming]

Jimmy

Once you realize that I'm okay...

Sabrina

[continues to scream]

Jimmy

...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sabrina

[continues to scream]

Virginia

What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]

Jimmy

Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

Virginia

Coffee?

Sabrina

No thanks. Do you have tea?

Burt

[in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!

Virginia

[in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?

Sabrina

I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.

Virginia

Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.

Burt

I forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.

Virginia

[spraying perfume on a toy in order to trap a raccoon] Jennifer Aniston by Jennifer Aniston. No man can resist this. Except Brad Pitt.

Sabrina

And John Mayer.

Virginia

And Vince Vaughn.

Sabrina

Bradley Cooper.

Virginia

And that homeless looking guy from Counting Crows.

Maw Maw

And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.

Sabrina

[angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.

Maw Maw

And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.

Sabrina

NO!

Maw Maw

Burt showed me his!

Burt

I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

Sabrina

So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.

Burt

Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.

Jimmy

There's the stare...

Sabrina

Jimmy...

Virginia

And there's the crunch.

Sabrina

Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

Jimmy

I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.

Sabrina

Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein! [Awkward silence] This... wasn't about the dirt, was it. [Awkward silence] Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13. [Awkward silence] You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

Sabrina

What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? [Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot] Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.

Burt

Do you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?

Maw Maw

I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.

Jimmy

Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.

Maw Maw

I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.

Sabrina

I'll fight you.

Maw Maw

You will?

Sabrina

Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.

Maw Maw

Let's do this.