Jimmy Chance quotes from Raising Hope

Jimmy

Did she sound snippy?

Frank

Hard to tell. Everyone's snippy with me, I'm Frank.

Jimmy

I'm going to grab an extra blanket, it gets pretty cold in here at night. There's a big hole in the wall. I usually stuff a sock in there, but I needed one yesterday, and...

Sabrina

...We should probably talk about this.

Jimmy

Okay. Are you robbing me?

Jimmy

Hey, how's it going!

Sabrina

[shocked screaming]

Jimmy

Okay, calm down, I'm all right, I'm not in any danger.

Sabrina

[screaming incoherently]

Jimmy

I did some research, and this is a way to overcome your fear!

Sabrina

[panicked, terrified screaming]

Jimmy

Once you realize that I'm okay...

Sabrina

[continues to scream]

Jimmy

...you'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.

Sabrina

[continues to scream]

Virginia

What in the world... [sees spiders, also begins to scream]

Jimmy

Okay, if you guys could please stop screaming, I think you're starting to freak the spiders out a little bit.

Sabrina

So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.

Burt

Oh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.

Jimmy

There's the stare...

Sabrina

Jimmy...

Virginia

And there's the crunch.

Sabrina

Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??

A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?

Burt

The world.

Jimmy?

Jimmy

I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.

Jimmy

Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.

Jimmy

I'll walk the 1k. And you guys should be ashamed of yourselves. Barney's up here courageously admitting that he has a serious condition, and you guys are acting like children.

Barney

Thank you, James. At least there's someone here that knows that ABS is nothing to joke about. We need to voice our support because silence can be deadly. The fight against ABS will get the push it deserves to finally make a big splash. Sufferers of this condition are tired of hiding like turtles in their shells. It's time for this turtle's head to poke out!

Jimmy

Barney, you're not doing yourself any favors.

Barney

Uh, Ricardo. Could you please stop pinching that loaf?

Jimmy

Oh, come on. Seriously?

Jimmy

I think it's time we had an honest, heart-to-heart talk about something that we all feel is becoming a problem.

Sabrina

Okay yes, sometimes I eat dirt! So what, Einstein ate dirt. Einstein! [Awkward silence] This... wasn't about the dirt, was it. [Awkward silence] Is this about how I count the number of words in every sentence; 13. [Awkward silence] You know what, Burt was right. I'll just listen.

Maw Maw

I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.

Jimmy

Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.

Maw Maw

I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.

Sabrina

I'll fight you.

Maw Maw

You will?

Sabrina

Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.

Maw Maw

Let's do this.

Sabrina

Hey, guys, they just started serving breakfast downstairs. You might want to get down there quick before they run out of Danish. Jimmy and I will meet you down there in 15 or 20 minutes after we get ready. ...Alone. On our honeymoon.

Jimmy

Oh, I don't know. Don't want to miss the Danish...

Sabrina

[puts up a hand to stop him] You're gonna want to stick around.

Sabrina

It's more of those postcards from my mom. What are they doing out here?

Jimmy

I always, um, hide them in here before you see them, because I know how much they upset you. I'm sorry.

Jimmy

What was that for?

Sabrina

Because you committed a federal crime to protect my feelings. Oh, Jimmy, don't you see? I may have saved you a couple times, but you save me every day.

I miss my prison husband.

Sabrina

What?

Nothin'.

Virginia

The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.

Jimmy

Gross.

Burt

I assure you, it is not.

Burt

Get me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!

Jimmy

Dad, it says "unlikely."

Burt

"Unlikely"? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere!

Sabrina

Hey! How's it going?

Jimmy

It's tough. I haven't found that thing. You know, that muse thing.

Sabrina

[Grins, points to herself] Ooh! What about me? I can be your muse.

Jimmy

Okay, cards on the table: I'm not entirely clear on what a muse is or does.

Jimmy

How am I supposed to do a rebirthing? I've never even seen an actual birth. Hope was born in a jail.

Barney

Frank and I could help you.

Frank

Oh, yeah, totally. Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.

Frank

Sometimes insomnia can drive a man to the deep dark corners of the Internet.

Burt

So did you and Sabrina enjoy your night alone last night?

Jimmy

Yeah, it was great. I think I tweaked my neck. Sabrina had me doing all sorts of crazy stuff.

Burt

Really?

Jimmy

Well, with Hope out of the house, we could get down to all the dirty stuff on our list.

Burt

You have a list??

Jimmy

It was exhausting. We did it all. You know, I shampooed the carpet for, like, an hour. She cleaned the chimney. It was filthy. We were both pretty sore this morning, but, uh, she still had me mulch her flower box.

Burt

Wow.

Jimmy

Yeah, well, next time you guys take Hope, I'm gonna oil up her chest in our bedroom.

Burt

Now you're talking.

Jimmy

It takes a while. She hasn't really taken care of it in years. It's kind of gross underneath.

Burt

[Grimaces] Well, still, a chest is a chest.

Jimmy

It is a nice chest. It's not as old or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.

Burt

[Gags] I'm sorry, when you say "oil up her chest," what exactly do you mean?

Jimmy

I mean just get some linseed oil and polish up the antique chest that Sabrina's uncle left us.

Burt

Oh.

Jimmy

What did you think?

Burt

I thought you were talking about you and Sabrina having weird sex, and then, briefly, you wanting to feel up your great-grandmother.