You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?
Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[at the first neighbor's doorstep] Hi. Are you looking for someone to care for your lawn? Cause I'm not one of those mow and blow guys. Cause I will weed, prune, plant. I'm dependable and trustworthy. Here's my card.
[gives the neighbor his card.]
Also I'm a sexual offender.
[the neighbor tosses his card and closes the door. At the next neighbor's house]
Good News, I'm not a Jehovah's Witness. Bad News, I'm a sex offender.
[another neighbor closes her door. At another neighbor's house, Burt is seen though the top of the front door's small door.]
Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood. It's me!
[The neighbor closes the door. The scene changes to Burt at another neighbor's house giving back her staple gun.]
About 8 years ago, I borrowed your staple gun. Oh, also I'm a sexual predator.
[The woman tries to hit Burt with a staple gun and he runs. She tackles him to the ground and put staples on his back with a staple gun.]
[to Jimmy] I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you. You're my mistake.
Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.
Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.
I can't beat that - let's drink!
If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.
I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!
[Burt moves forward to hug Jimmy, Jimmy backs away and holds up a finger to signal Burt to stop]
Do not kiss me on the lips!
You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!
Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored. That's why TV shows about babies never last more than a year.
[to Kate] I am fine with an Asian Jesus, but let's be real here: that's a 3-year-old fat kid.
[looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman] Who the hell moved my vagina?
[seeing Jimmy and Justin hang out] Look at you two hanging out-like two penises in a pod.
[wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?
You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.
Did I kill anything?
Two rats and a snake.
Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.
People in glass houses should not throw stones...or sleep naked.
[about picking his nose with all of his fingers] I like to mix it up. Different ones get to different places.
[Burt is in his underwear hiding from Maw Maw, who thinks he is her dead husband Wilfred]
Hey, Jimmy?
Yeah, Dad?
You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?
I hope so.
Me, too.
Good night.
Good night.
Wilfred!
Well, I couldn't have her come over and see what a mess my life was. You both had boots on your head.
[After Maw Maw readily voted with Jimmy]
She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.
Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?
Iraq and Afghanistan.
Is she right?
I think so, but I'm not sure.
It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.