Melanie quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Lindsay

Can we talk about this later?

Melanie

Like everything else. I'm gonna go spike the punch.

All of this baby business is making me a little crazy.

Melanie

Why, because you want one?

Because I don't want one.

Melanie

Don't you ever get tired of being cheery?

Lindsay

You have no idea.

Brian

Homophobic corporate America wins again.

Melanie

Oh, please. You can hang a sign on your office door saying 'Blow Jobs 10 cents' and you'd still have it better than any woman and person of color, because guess what? You're a white man which still counts for something in this country.

Melanie

Nothing personal, but I just wish she was here.

Ted

I understand. Most of my dates wish they were with someone else.

Melanie

Oh, don't say that. You're a real catch.

Ted

I know. Just my luck, lesbians find me irresistible.

Emmett

Ted! M-Melanie, hi... this is Heather, my date.

Melanie

I'm sorry, I thought you said...

Ted

He did.

We're going for pizza. Wanna double?

Melanie

"Double"?

Emmett

They're not really a couple, Heather.

Ted

I'm a homo.

Melanie

And I'm a lesbo.

Oh! I thought from the hug that maybe you were normal.

Melanie

We are. What the hell's gotten into you?!

Ted

He's "seen the light."

Melanie

Where they shining it? Up your ass?

"See the Light" is helping us build a happy heterosexual life.

Melanie

While you're at it, why don't you ask the wizard for a brain?

Emmett

I'm so glad that we amuse you.

Melanie

Who's amused? I'm outraged!

Emmett

Just ignore her, Heather. She doesn't understand.

Melanie

Understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about 50 years.

Brian

Jesus, it smells like a dirty jockstrap.

Melanie

In that case, you should like it.

We've seen the light!

We know!

Emmett

A different light.

Melanie

What about your success story?

Emmett

Oh, we were a success story.

We shared it with the group.

Emmett

Mmmmhmmm. I told them "some of us are meant to eat pussy and some of us are meant to suck cock." But either way - God loves us.

They agreed that God loves us.

Emmett

And then they told us to get the fuck out.

Ted

You're really back?

Emmett

Honey, my flame has been rekindled and has been burning brighter than ever.

Brian

I'm his father. Who are you?

Melanie

I may be no one. But at least I love him enough to know that his needs come before mine. Which is more than can be said for you.

Emmett

Hey, she's cute.

Melanie

She reminds me of Lindsay with red hair.

Ted

What about her?

Melanie

She reminds me of Lindsay with black hair.

Ted

[a man walks in] Don't tell me. He reminds you of Lindsay in drag.

Melanie

Do you think I've never seen a dick before?

Ted

Not mine!

Emmett

It's okay, it's okay everyone, she's a lesbian!

Oh, she's a dyke!

Melanie

Too bad you're not straight... [second woman checks out Ted] you could really score big time.

Emmett

It's hard to believe but in this parallel universe you're actually hot.

Ted

Woohoo, lucky me.

Melanie

I was just saying, I bet you're really looking forward to that Honeymoon. Where were you off to this time?

Borneo.

Ted

Don't they have a lot of pigs there?

Melanie

Lindsay Peterson, will you marry me?

Lindsay

Now you're proposing to me? Well, I'm gonna have to think it over... Yes!

Melanie

I think you provide an extremely important service.

Ted

Preparing your taxes? Yeah, great, when's the last time it made you come?

Melanie

1998. I got a big refund.