Emmett quotes from Queer as Folk (US)

Emmett

What do you think?

Ted

You look unbelievably trashy.

Emmett

You talked me into it. I'll buy it!

Ted

Everything we do, even the clothes we wear is a conscious, or worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid.

Emmett

Yes, it's true. There is an over-emphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and go with it?

Michael

I just don't know what you do for a whole weekend.

Emmett

Well, let's see, first you arrive.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Emmett

Then you unpack.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Emmett

And then you go berry-picking.

Ted

Then you fuck.

Michael

I mean after you fuck!

Emmett

You talk. You get to know each other.

Emmett

Time for your temperature! Roll over!

Brian

You're not sticking that thing up my ass!

Ted

Jeez, that accident must have really jarred your brain.

Justin

Did I tell you my dad wants to send me to military school? I said, "Fuck no."

Brian

I think your dad might be right. A Little military school or something might do you good.

Emmett

I always wanted to go to military school. Those sleek uniforms, so well cut.

Ted

Taking orders, getting punished when you're naughty. [Bends over and all slaps Emmett's butt.]

Emmett

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.

And don't forget showering with all those cadets.

Emmett

Oh...

Emmett

Oh my, whoever thought we'd see the day. Brian Kinney driving an Economy compact.

Ted

Subcompact.

Brian

I have to get another car this weekend.

Another fuck mobile?

Emmett

Please, at his age he needs all the help he can get to attract those hot, young things.

Ted

I thought after what happened you might consider something more practical.

Brian

Something an accountant might drive?

You don't want any more weirdo's ramming into you.

Emmett

Never heard him complaining about that before.

Justin

I'm turning 18 soon. That means I can vote, get married, and join the army.

Emmett

Hopefully not in the same day.

Ted

What are you doing with your arm?

Emmett

I call it the Praise Jesus.

Ted

Looks like you're hailing a cab.

Emmett

I can change a tire.

Brian

You cannot change a tire.

Emmett

I know you all just think of me as this Nelly retail queen. But it just so happens that I make it my business to know anything that has to do with lug nuts.

Vic

Promiscuous is anyone having more sex than you.

Emmett

I thought I was being safe... careful.

Vic

Sex isn't careful. If it is you're doing it wrong. It's messy and it's human.

Ted

Well, Brian. You really know how to throw a birthday bash.

Emmett

Too bad all good things must come to an end.

Melanie

Well well well... is anyone surprised? The way he treats people. Am I right? Is there anyone here tonight that hasn't been fucked by Brian Kinney, one way or another?

Vic

Well, what do you know, now Michael has been too.

Debbie

So you finally gave him what he wanted. Good for you.

Lindsay

How could you do that to him, Brian? Your best friend in the whole world.

Justin

No. You're gonna need someone to help you clean up this mess.

Michael

Captain Astro uses his magical fisting power!

Emmett

Quit it! It's too early for fisting!

Michael

No, it is never too early for fisting!

I'm Matt.

Emmett

Course you are. You're always Matt, or Scott, or Todd, or some other wonderful one-syllable name.

I'd offer to buy you a drink, but something tells me you don't need another.

Emmett

Something tells me you might be right! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home; it's always nicer to vomit in your own toilet.

Emmett

I've decided that I need to explore the part of me that isn't gay.

Ted

And what part pray tell would that be?

Emmett

So, I'm uh, I joined this group, "See the Light." And they're going to help me find my way back to my true self.

Ted

Shit!

Michael

Who you are is your true self!

Emmett

Ted! M-Melanie, hi... this is Heather, my date.

Melanie

I'm sorry, I thought you said...

Ted

He did.

We're going for pizza. Wanna double?

Melanie

"Double"?

Emmett

They're not really a couple, Heather.

Ted

I'm a homo.

Melanie

And I'm a lesbo.

Oh! I thought from the hug that maybe you were normal.

Melanie

We are. What the hell's gotten into you?!

Ted

He's "seen the light."

Melanie

Where they shining it? Up your ass?

"See the Light" is helping us build a happy heterosexual life.

Melanie

While you're at it, why don't you ask the wizard for a brain?

Emmett

I'm so glad that we amuse you.

Melanie

Who's amused? I'm outraged!

Emmett

Just ignore her, Heather. She doesn't understand.

Melanie

Understand you assholes are setting back the gay rights movement about 50 years.