I remember I've been in Thailand for three weeks and I found a copy of the Daily Mail and there was this brilliant article in it by Norman Tebbit and he said “I can't be the only person who noticed the rise in serious crime since same-sex-partnerships were brought in.” You can, Norman, you can be the only person.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Sandi has produced a model of Newton's Cradle and set it in motion]
Right, my question is, who invented this?
Isn't it Winston Churchill?
You were so epically wrong there, the buzzer didn't even went off.
I want it to be Winston Churchill.
We normally call it Newton's Balls, don't we?
I think Newton's Cradle would be…
I think Newton's Cradle…
I'm afraid I went to a rougher school than you.
I think, if Newton had that many balls, it's no wonder he discovered gravity.
[On otters sliding down a snowy decline]
Is that the remake of Cool Runnings?
What is the best job for a beetle?
Drummer, cause you'd still be alive.
I am giving you an extra point, even though it's horribly wrong.
Is it careers advisor?
Did you have one of those?
Yeah, they told me to be a horticulturist.
You had a nice careers advisor. Mine was like “ Sainsbury's that way, good luck”.
Mine told me “Prison”.
Working or serving?
[On Dik-Diks]
They have the driest poo and most concentrated urine of any ungulant.
Well, clearly they've never spent a night in Wetherspoons.
What is a zookeepers worst nightmare?
Planet of the Apes.
Was it out of the blue redundancies?
Little baby girls can have periods in their first months cause they take in your estrogen.
I did not know that.
Is that the first time you ever had that experience?
What?
Not knowing something.
Welcome to QI. Tonight [goes “blub blub blub, blub blub blub”] we are setting sail... [Laughter]...I do all me own effects.
Right. We start with “How many oceans are there on Earth?”
JLJoe Lycett
[Points to screen showing six images of the sea] Six, I can count them.
[Forfeit klaxon “6”]
JLJoe Lycett
First time on this show...
Right into that trap.
[On what's the most scary thing about sharks]
The teeth.
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - TEETH]
The fact that they can't go backwards. [looks around confused, then, angrily:] I'm sorry, that takes a bit long to type!
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - WRONG]
[On Aerial fish re-stocking]
Every one of those fish has a JustGiving page.
Why isn't there actually a fish that lives in trees or on the land, cause, there's, you know, there are penguins which live in the sea and mammals that live in the sea. Why hasn't a fish had the gumption to start living like a rabbit?
I think it's lack of ambition.
Bats! Bats are mammals, they can fly...it just doesn't make sense. The fish aren't trying.
No. I think what you need to do is to start diving and give those fish a good talking to.
I wouldn't need to dive if there were fish running on [drowned out by laughter]
The mangrove killifish lives on land.
Well done!
I was in Sydney and I was listening to the radio and they said: :[Australian accent] “And now the weather: There's no weather today.”
I once had waitress in Los Angeles as I…
[suggestively] Did you, now?
And Alan's buzzer goes...
[ Alan presses his buzzer, which emits a farting sound]
Even on a show as high-brow as this, that is still funny.
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