[The panel is playing Call my Bluff with 18th century phrases]
I can't stand Call my Bluff. Why are we playing Call my Bluff? It's a shit game! We've invented a really good game, why are we playing a shit one?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[On the Queen not being legally required to have a driving licence]
What does she show in Blockbuster...?
A twenty pound note.
Now, tell me about the "Great Disappointment".
Have you been talking to my husband?
[Forfeit klaxon goes off - HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND?]
Why are so many great men short?
[doubtfully] Are they really?
David, David. You've hit the nail on the head. Rem acu tetigisti, as they would say in latin.
…I'm sure they would.
It means: 'Nice one, son'.
[On cheese having a sell-by date and "consume within 2 days of opening"]
It's gone off already, I mean, cheese basically, hasn't it?
That's it's point, exactly. It is the celebration of what happens when milk goes off big time styley.
It should just: you should work for the milk marketing mob. Get some lovely "English milk gone off big time styley". "I'll have a 'milk gone off big time styley and tomato sandwich' please." That's a brilliant description!
'Heightism' does exist. Short people are paid less on average than tall people. The disparity is comparable in magnitude to race and gender.
They should rise up.
Yeah… Hey!
[After discussing the Giant Tortoise]
How did they exist in the wild anyway if they're so delicious, slow moving and massively useful?
Name and shame the worlds cheapest cheapskate.
JRJan Ravens
[rings in] Was it Diogenes the Cynic?
…Wow.
You've seen this show before, haven't you? I think I'm slightly aroused.
I can confirm 'slightly'.
[On dance fly]
It captures an insect, sucks out its innards completely, and then wraps the empty shell in silk. And then gives it to the female, but by the time the female's unwrapped it, and discovered that as it were her box of chocolates is empty, he's already mated with her and scarpered.
[to the audience] Now, don't try this at home!
Now, what would you call someone who never laughs?
[points towards the audience] That bloke.
[laughing] You're right. He hasn't cracked a smile the whole evening.
He might be dead. Nudge him.
[On the "Earth sandwich"]
…There was an immediate controversy, 'cos they used baguettes. And so they weren't quite sure whether they were oriented in the same direction. It might have been a cross shape, which would have disqualified it as a sandwich, really, you can't have a sandwich baguettes crossing, can you?
How do you get to be involved in these competitions?
[On equipment doctors leave in patients]
BHBarry Humphries
This is when we need Hugh Laurie on this show, isn't it?
He would explain it, exactly. If the script was put in front of him. He's a gibbering idiot without it.
I dressed as Hitler once. I did a school play, I played Arturo Ui in The resistible rise of Arturo Ui. And I was Ui. I actually dyed my hair black and cut it in the Hitler style for the authenticity of the role, not cause I'm a Nazi, and my mum said "Oh, now that does look nice.".
I was a goth for a while.
Were you?
I was asked to leave, 'cos I was just too miserable.
You were bringing them down.
I was an emu for a while.
When did the hand come out?
What’s the difference between an emo and a goth? I missed that.
One’s a flightless bird. The other one’s a horny headed vandal.
[On zombie apocalypse]
Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie, you bite Jack. Jack, Jack bites Mel, and so on.
[pointing at Sue Perkins, who's rolling her eyes] Sue.
What?
Sue!
[Realizes what he has said, buries his face in his hands]
Stephen, ten points now if you know her name.
Is this the warm, personal touch that you get when you come to this show?
[bright red] I'm so ashamed! Oh Sue, I'm sorry.
No-one noticed, Hugh.
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