TV show quotes
Anyway, back to Cleve Crudgington and his corks.
Did he insert them into his person?
You will never know how thin the ice upon which you just skated was, there. We had a little forfeit all ready for you.
[Without the klaxon noise, the forfeit flashes on the screen - RAMS THEM UP HIS ARSE]
Oh, there it is. We know that’s what you were thinking.
I leave you with this cautionary snippet about paying attention. A radio interviewer from GLR radio carried away with news of a possible discovery of a cross between an elephant and a woolly mammoth, asked a palaeontologist "so it'd be like some sort of hairy gorilla, would it?" To which the palaeontologist replied "Yes, pretty much! Except elephant shaped. And eh, with tusks."
[On treating phobias]
So I'll have to get into a bath full of spiders?
You can do it two ways. You can do a graded desensitization, where you're gradually exposed to spiders, or you can do something called flooding, where you just get chucked in with them.
This is cognitive therapy, isn't it?
Well, it's more sort of behavioural therapy really, because it's cheap.
I think I'll settle with just screaming like a girl and running around the house, if that's alright with you.
[On the subject of cockfighting]
[reading from a card] It says here a good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean.
[The audience laughs and Clive murmurs in agreement.]
You're watching QI for the Straight Guy!
[On the original story of Cinderella]
The original stories were quite gruesome. When the ugly sisters tried to slip into the slipper, they cut off their toes and their bunions to try and squeeze in, and the slippers filled with blood.
They probably got that idea from Trinny and Susannah.
What I want you to do first is tell me all about the twelve Frenchmen and the twelve mosquitoes.
Once upon a time, there were twelve Frenchmen called... 'Appy, Sleepy, Arrogant, Furieux, Un Chose Comme Ca, Bof and Zut Alors. And...
That's six!
Fenètre, Boulangerie...
Le Table.
Le Table, of course. And Jambon et Fromage, the twins. And they used to travel around with mosquitoes...
And what were the mosquitoes called?
Buzzy, Stingy...
It was a very, very low-rent 1950's French detective series, that involved, at some point, the extraction of a tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.
When the Titanic sank, what was the first thing that happened to the crew?
Terrible luck for them, but they actually had their six-month review...
[On what happened to the crew of the RMS Titanic]
Every single member of the crew had their wages stopped at the moment of the sinking. The moment a ship sinks, it is not a ship, therefore you can't work on it, therefore the White Star Line paid them up to the minute of the sinking.
I would imagine that in a sinking situation, you'd hope to be getting time and a half.
[On the Titanic]
Is it true that someone dressed as a lady to escape detection?
Yes, apparently it is true, because it was women and children first.
[chuckling] I thought you said "someone dressed as a baby".
[posh accent] "Yes, goo-goo indeed. I have a lollipop and I have no control over my urinary functions. I am, in fact, an infant. And I know you think I'm Lord Albemarle, but I am in fact a little baby. With a beard. Yes, goo-goo, gaa-gaa. And madam, may I tell you I've been a very naughty baby?"
How do you tell able seamen from ordinary seamen? [Laughter] When you applied for a job on a merchant vessel, you registered either as an able seamen or an ordinary seamen, and they accepted your word. But you kept a log of your work, which was the real proof and it was called a Certificate of Continuous Discharge.
[On the novel The DaVinci Code]
... and I use the word books very loosely, like... The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.
He was a blues singer... "Please welcome Lou Stool Water!"
[Bill Bailey presses his steel guitar buzzer]
One in thirty million people risk dying by being murdered, the risk of choking to death is one in a hundred and twenty million, the risk of dying by tea cosy is one in twenty billion. There is, however, a one in two hundred and fifty seven thousand chance of you dying today during this programme.
… What have you got planned for Round Two?
What is three times more dangerous than war?
...three wars?
You are three times more likely to die at work than at war.
Does that include soldiers?
There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.
That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!
They were French.
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