Kenny quotes from Press Gang

Sam

Are you okay, Kenny?

Kenny

I told you, didn’t I? It’s Jenny. She dumped me.

Sam

Yeah, but that was this morning, wasn’t it? Kenny, everyone gets dumped. Even I’ve been dumped. Once. I think. Actually, what did happen to him? I think I might just have forgotten I had him. It’s terrible when you lose track of one, isn’t it?

Kenny

Look, can we discuss your proposed spending plan for the graphics department quarterly target allocation?

Sam

What does that word mean?

Kenny

Which one?

Sam

Any one.

Kenny

Graphic Department spending proposals. An HB pencil and a sunbed?

Sam

Well, I can explain the pencil.

Sam

Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.

Kenny

And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you?

Sam

Yeah, of course, it's justified. If I don't stay gorgeous what are the guys round here going to think about at night?

Kenny

I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.

Sam

Exactly.

Kenny

Well, we'll compromise, then. How about a hole in the roof?

Sam

So, how are you feeling?

Kenny

You know how it is. No, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees, beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically. Mum has to tether me up the garden at night so I can howl at the moon, but basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was. Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.

Sam

Hey, there are other girls in the world.

Kenny

"Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them."

Sam

But you're the perfect one to do it, Kenny. You've got that steel in you, Kenny.

Kenny

I see. So, you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson?

Sam

I haven't ruffled your hair.

Kenny

See, you're not even trying, are you?

Sam

Nice line, Kenny.

Sam

I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you.

Kenny

I've got depths like you wouldn't believe. I just don't spend much time there.

Kenny

I'm going in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do?

Sam

Calm you down and get you a glass of water?

Kenny

No, watch and weep.

Kenny

Me, nice? You’re talking to world champion nice here. I’m so nice I get socks for Christmas – and I like it. I’m so sweet and lovable cuddly toys sneer at me.

Then I guess you’ll never get dumped.

Lynda

Of course - your dear old aunt in Sherrington. What is it this time? Ill? Dead? Tell me, how do you justify being off work at her funeral on no less than eight separate occasions?

Kenny

She is my aunt!

Lynda

Kenny - this woman has died a total of eight times!

Kenny

How do you think I feel?

I'm not staying. But I've got to kill someone before I go.

Kenny

I see, yes - must be a tough habit to break. Listen, couldn't you just skip today's murder and do two tomorrow?

Lynda

Got a minute?

Kenny

Actually, no. There's someone here to kill Colin.

Lynda

Well, I'm sure he can manage it without you.

Sam

Well, Spike and Lynda are pretending they're not going out with each other, and we're pretending we don't know.

Kenny

I haven't had so much fun since she sprained her arm in Primary Five.

Explain something to me, Kenny. You two are supposed to be the best of friends. How come you enjoyed her spraining her arm?

Kenny

We are the best of friends. She was trying to push me out of a window at the time."

Kenny

Couldn't I come in any earlier? I hate having a proper night's sleep. I start getting used to it.

Lynda

Okay, half-past four.