Sam quotes from Press Gang

Sam

That's not what lasting relationships are based on. I should know - I've had hundreds of them.

Sam

Are you okay, Kenny?

Kenny

I told you, didn’t I? It’s Jenny. She dumped me.

Sam

Yeah, but that was this morning, wasn’t it? Kenny, everyone gets dumped. Even I’ve been dumped. Once. I think. Actually, what did happen to him? I think I might just have forgotten I had him. It’s terrible when you lose track of one, isn’t it?

Kenny

Look, can we discuss your proposed spending plan for the graphics department quarterly target allocation?

Sam

What does that word mean?

Kenny

Which one?

Sam

Any one.

Kenny

Graphic Department spending proposals. An HB pencil and a sunbed?

Sam

Well, I can explain the pencil.

Sam

Kenny, I need a sunbed. I need a skin tint that goes with my hair colour.

Kenny

And you think that's a justified office purchase, do you?

Sam

Yeah, of course, it's justified. If I don't stay gorgeous what are the guys round here going to think about at night?

Kenny

I'm sure they'll manage to think about someone else.

Sam

Exactly.

Kenny

Well, we'll compromise, then. How about a hole in the roof?

Sam

So, how are you feeling?

Kenny

You know how it is. No, I'm fine, really. I just have this occasional tendency to drop to my knees, beat the ground with my fists and sob hysterically. Mum has to tether me up the garden at night so I can howl at the moon, but basically, I'm still the warm, lovable human being as I ever was. Except I can't speak to brunettes without attempting to strangle them.

Sam

Hey, there are other girls in the world.

Kenny

"Yeah? That's what everyone says, but I don't believe them."

Sam

But you're the perfect one to do it, Kenny. You've got that steel in you, Kenny.

Kenny

I see. So, you think that if you can perch on my desk, cross your legs, flatter me, ruffle my hair, that I'm going to fire Claire Pearson?

Sam

I haven't ruffled your hair.

Kenny

See, you're not even trying, are you?

Sam

Nice line, Kenny.

Sam

I'm beginning to think there are hidden depths in you.

Kenny

I've got depths like you wouldn't believe. I just don't spend much time there.

Kenny

I'm going in there now, and if you hear screaming, you know what to do?

Sam

Calm you down and get you a glass of water?

Kenny

No, watch and weep.

Spike

I remember when Lynda used to need two for a conversation.

Sam

I don't.

Sam

Well, Spike and Lynda are pretending they're not going out with each other, and we're pretending we don't know.

Kenny

I haven't had so much fun since she sprained her arm in Primary Five.

Explain something to me, Kenny. You two are supposed to be the best of friends. How come you enjoyed her spraining her arm?

Kenny

We are the best of friends. She was trying to push me out of a window at the time."

Sam

Hi, Spike! How's the latest brunette?

Spike

Sam, she's not just my latest brunette.

Sam

I didn't mean your latest brunette, Spike - I meant hers. So, how are you, Spike?

Sam

[asking for extra concessions] And how about Lynda Day strung up by her ankles?

Kenny

No problem. I believe it's how she sleeps.

Sam

I was just wondering if you were a bit nervous about all this rock star thing.

Kenny

Well, a bit, I suppose, but don't tell anyone. I'm trying to hide it.

Sam

From that point of view, don't you think it would be a good idea if you came out from under the desk?

Kenny

"Tomorrow, definitely.

Sam

Can I give you a word of advice about being a rock star?

Kenny

“You’ve talked me out of it.

Sam

I’m not trying to. Kenny, rock stars are kind of, well, mean. What you’ve got to do is less of the cute, and more of the mean. I want you to find the mean part of yourself, Kenny.

Kenny

I lied to my Mum once… I told her I’d had a school lunch when I’d given my dinner money to Help the Aged.