I had the naughtiest dream about an improper fraction last night.
And?
S1Future Tutor
S1Future Jock
Phil (to Pim): Do you just wake up evil?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Keely (while watching Troy walk on his hands): Can you believe what he's doing?
Yeah he's about to walk where Arnie Haukhouser threw up last week.
S1You Say Toe-Mato
Pim, I'm using it first.
Why?
Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller.
Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you.
Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue?
I can hold a grudge forever.
Oh, really?
Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup?
No.
Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue--
Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo.
Berwick! Let me guess what's going on here. Hot coffee, sports section, standing outside Mr. Hackett's office...You're either a: Loopy, B: The world's biggest, kiss-up, or C: A combo platter.
Pim, I do this for all my teachers. In fact, would you like to run up a pastry to Miss Soletti's office?
Uh, no.
I know it's expensive, but i have to have the operation.
Eavesdropping is wrong for 7 reasons, and i'll explain why. First--
(Hushed Voice) Debbie, shush!
Well, if i don't have the operation, my life will be worthless. Just a big zilch-o.
Oh, my gosh! Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick and needs an operation. You know what this calls for? A fund-raiser!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time someone needs help, you're all "I'll help you," and i'm all "Get over it," and you're all, "To the fund-raising mobile!"
Okay, Pim. That's okay. Fund-raising isn't for everybody.
What is she saying? That i can't fund-raise? Well, it's on, Berwick!
What's on?
Stop that.
The only procedure i can afford is the 106. Yeah, that's not a hair replacement system. That's a toilet seat cover parted down the middle. No, no, no...I want it. Yeah, okay. Uh, I will still attract big norwegian women, like the guy on the cover, right? Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!
Phil, you know what this is?
It's a flute.
No, it's a musical spit catcher.
Nice.
Phil, that can't be healthy.
Here. Re-hydrate.
I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?
Yeah, phyble.
Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?
Exactly. All those things.
So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.
Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.
Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.
Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?
Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?
That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.
I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.
Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?
Yeah, what's the matter?
Oh...I can't!
Can't what?
Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)
You're about to eat ketchup right now.
I am? Oh.
So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?
Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.
Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.
1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.
No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4.
Ha ha! That's right!
Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.
How do they walk with all those--
(Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.
Come on, guys, i'm serious.
Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.
Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.
Really?
Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?
Yes.
Psst! Yeah, you. What's your name?
JJorge
Jorge.
Jorge, what would you say if i could put you in a big, fancy belt buckle? Don't answer. Just step into my jacket. Or...Would you like a gold locket? You like lockets?
JJorge
No, thanks.
Jorge, did i mention it's for a teacher getting a nasty operation? None of the money goes to me.
JJorge
Really?
Well, I did buy myself a prime rib sandwich at lunch, but that's on the down low. You know what i'm sayin'? Huh?
JJorge
I have to be somewhere else now.
Yeah, right. Hey, you with the face, come here!
Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets! $5.00. It's for a really good cause. Oh, hi, Morton. Let me tell you a little bit about today's fund-raiser. I'm raising money for a teacher who's very, very sick. (Whispering) He doesn't look good. Thank you, Morton. You're good people.
MMorton
Thanks, Debbie.
Fun baskets. (Gasps) Hi, Pim. My baskets are really moving. How much have you raised?
Squat. Leave me alone.
MMan
Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream.
I thought you were allergic to tomatoes.
Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night.
Right.
MMan
All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks.
Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change?
Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks.
MMan
Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.
Hey.
Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i've been acting a little weird lately.
Now that you mention it...A little.
Yeah. I'm sorry about that.
It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again?
Heh. So normal it hurts.
Phil, you want to go to the deep end?
No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay?
Whatever, Phil.
Where's my toe?!
Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet.
I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in!
Eww! Where's my toe?
MMan
Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry!
MMan
All right, everybody out of the tub!
MMan
There's always one bad tomato in every batch. You can explain it to your principal!
KKid
Oh.
Oh, and right during the biggest test of the semester! Luckily i have a sweet number 2 for sale. Let's call it 6 bucks even.
KKid
(Sighs)
Hi. I couldn't help but notice you're getting smoked. How 'bout a nice scented candle to lift your spirits?
That'll be 3.50.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Phil of the Future pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.