Party Down Season 1 quotes

Ron

Do you know what you get when you hire a Party Down catering team? At Party Down we have a simple motto: it's your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you're worried about whether the shrimp cocktail has been sitting out too long, or is there enough ice, or do the guests think the party is lame, or are they stealing stuff, or are they going through the medicine cabinet because they're nosy or because they think they might find something that'll give them a rocking buzz? I used to do that last thing. Not anymore. Clean and sober.

Um, wow, that--that--that's quite a motto...

Casey

Ah, you're going for your own look.

Henry

Yeah--

Casey

It's nice.

Henry

--Yeah, I thought I'd go for the "helpful gay pirate" kind of thing.

Casey

[mock consolingly] You don't look helpful.

Ron

Actually, I learned this at the sensitivity seminar, that we do not use that word, okay? I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who may be...

Casey

A pirate?

Henry

Helpful?

Kyle

Fucking intolerance blows! [Constance prepares to spit] Woah, what are we doing here?

Constance

I am going to spit on all the appetizers because I can't remember which ones he was eating.

Kyle

No, you know what: there's other things we can do than spitting.

Constance

Like what? [disappointed] I love spitting.

One last thing: nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting. You know, what if Ronald Reagan quit?

Casey

Quit acting? He did.

Henry

Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea.

Ron

Oh man, what are you gonna think when you walk into a Soup 'R Crackers you see me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Henry

"The fuck am I doing in a Soup 'R Crackers?"

Ron

[as he is burning the American flag in order to make it look like it's been through battle] You can be two things in life: You can be an achiever or you can be a fuck-up.

Henry

Ok, and which one are you being right now?

Ron

I'm an achiever!

Henry

Well, then, I'm definitely a fuck-up. I gotta say, standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot... I feel kinda okay about it.

Henry, what is the craziest place that you ever made love?

Constance

Yeah.

Henry

...A bed.

Constance

What did he say?

Wow.

Constance

What did he say?

"A bed."

Constance

What did we ask him?

I don't know.

Constance

That's a leg?

Ron

Made footless! By pot.

Ron

[pointing at the Powerpoint presentation of their host] Hey Roman, Google me in ten years, that's going to be me.

Roman

The only way I'm Googling you in ten years is if you get very creative in the way that you kill yourself.

Constance

[in a low voice; imitating a cow] Mooooooo! You can milk me if you like. My tits are fuuuulll.

Cramsey.

Henry

I'm sorry?

My new name. 'Cause like I do a lot of anal. So it's like "cram it up there," you know, like cram it.

Henry

I get it.

Roman

Hey, Ronald, I'm gonna go river boating on the Mississippi. I need something to measure depth. Can I borrow your dick?

Ron

I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin what true professionalism looks like.

Roman

Like fucking ass-clown? I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this motherfucker.

Henry

We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

Constance

Rick Fox, he's the guest speaker.

Roman

On what topic? How the wealth I made from my pituitary abnormality relates to your dipshit corporate hell?

Kyle

[about Rick Fox] Dude that tall, I bet his dick's like two feet long. Probably like fucking a handsome giraffe. I mean, he could be in one room fucking her and in the other room reading a magazine. I bet when he gets a boner, it's it's like half a hula hoop.