Henry Pollard quotes from Party Down

Casey

Ah, you're going for your own look.

Henry

Yeah--

Casey

It's nice.

Henry

--Yeah, I thought I'd go for the "helpful gay pirate" kind of thing.

Casey

[mock consolingly] You don't look helpful.

Ron

Actually, I learned this at the sensitivity seminar, that we do not use that word, okay? I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who may be...

Casey

A pirate?

Henry

Helpful?

One last thing: nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting. You know, what if Ronald Reagan quit?

Casey

Quit acting? He did.

Henry

Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea.

Ron

Oh man, what are you gonna think when you walk into a Soup 'R Crackers you see me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Henry

"The fuck am I doing in a Soup 'R Crackers?"

Ron

[as he is burning the American flag in order to make it look like it's been through battle] You can be two things in life: You can be an achiever or you can be a fuck-up.

Henry

Ok, and which one are you being right now?

Ron

I'm an achiever!

Henry

Well, then, I'm definitely a fuck-up. I gotta say, standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot... I feel kinda okay about it.

Henry, what is the craziest place that you ever made love?

Constance

Yeah.

Henry

...A bed.

Constance

What did he say?

Wow.

Constance

What did he say?

"A bed."

Constance

What did we ask him?

I don't know.

Cramsey.

Henry

I'm sorry?

My new name. 'Cause like I do a lot of anal. So it's like "cram it up there," you know, like cram it.

Henry

I get it.

Ron

I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin what true professionalism looks like.

Roman

Like fucking ass-clown? I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this motherfucker.

Henry

We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

Grab your destiny by the balls and squeeze hard. I'll bet you've never done that in your career.

Henry

No, I wouldn't even know where destiny's balls are.

I'm a terrible liar.

Henry

It's not lying, it's... acting. Look, I was an actor; it's easy. You just use the true bits and you fake the fake bits.

And... that's acting?

Henry

Most actors aren't bright, so it has to be simple.

I hear you may join us at the main office.

Henry

Oh...

Capital of North Dakota?

Henry

What?

Bismarck! Bone up on your trivia. We're a crazy bunch over there.

Ron

[laughing] Ah, trivia. What's green and falls up?

That's not trivia.

Ron

What don't you understand? It's crystal clear. Ron Donald Do's, okay? The 4 P's and 1 B. Politeness, Professionalism, Perfectionism, Proactive, Be on time.

Roman

I have a proactive suggestion. [goes to white board]

Kyle

You-you know what, I think we get the system.

Ron

Okay, then what don't you understand, Kyle? [to Roman] What are you doing? Don't do that. Don't—

Roman

"Punctuality."

Ron

What? No! Don't do that!

Roman

Now it's 5 P's.

Ron

No! I already have 4 P's. That's an RDD.

Roman

That's a Ron Donald Do?

Ron

No, a Ron Donald Don'ts. "Failure to politeness."

Roman

This is so confusing, Ron.

Kyle

You know what I don't get? Who says you get to be boss?

Ron

I do. As boss I have that authority.

Kyle

You can't do that.

Ron

Yeah, I can, and I did.

Kyle

Okay, well, hey guys, guess what? I'm the boss now.

Ron

You can't do that because you're not the boss. You know, can I finish please? Three RDDs, I dock your pay.

Roman

You can't do that, Ron.

Ron

I can too! And Roman, that's an RDD.

Roman

A Do? This is the dumbest fucking strategy for productivity. [Henry enters]

Kyle

Henry, is Ron really the boss?

Henry

Yeah, Ron's in charge, everybody.

Ron

See? Not that what he says matters.

Casey

[affectionately] You are a runty little puppy.

Henry

[pleased] Thanks.