History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?
Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.
Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.
I thought you needed some air, even if that air is fouled by the stench of European socialism.
Your son, he's my best friend, he's like a brother to me, but he's a disaster. And your daughter, she needs to be put in a mental institution. On an island. In space.
Hey, you wanted to see me?
I did. [tosses something towards him] Think fast!
Oh my god! [catches it] Hey, Dr. Buttons!...I mean, my old calculator. It doesn't have a name.
Things are exactly the way they were back in 1817! Except, you know, women and minorities can vote, we have indoor toilets and we no longer burn widows for learning arithmetic.
There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm told is a fancy horse riding thing.
AAlonso
It is horse dancing madam!
Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!
Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!
No!
I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...
[walking in] Hey everybody!
NOOOOO!
Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!
Why Leslie!?
When we were state auditors we had an amazing system.
Chris would pump everyone up and made them feel positive and happy and I swooped in and slashed their budgets to ribbons!
Like a majestic alley-oop. You're all amazing!
You're all fired!
Teamwork!
When Leslie called to see if I could help, Gayle and I were getting on a cruise ship to the Bahamas. I said Gayle, put that Bikini away. Because Pawnee needs me.
I'm sorry was your name Jennifer?
TTynnyfer
No it's Tynnyfer. With two "Y's." I used to be Jennifer but then I decided to re-brand myself. Oh wait hang on, it's Xanax O'clock. [pops some pills]
...[talking like Tynnyfer] Um well nice to meet you. My name's April and I just wanted to say that your dress is so cute it's bonks.
TTynnyfer
I saw my spinning instructor wearing it and I was like, shut up where do I get that?
Oh my God who's your spinning instructor, Gregory or Winona?
TTynnyfer
I go to Yanis. Who are Gregory and Winona? I've never heard of them before. Are they better!?
Winona rocks my world.
TTynnyfer
Seriously, you need to get me in there like that's a Must. Must. Must.
[cut to April being interviewed]
She's the worst person I've ever met. I want to travel the world with her.
Hey this is a surprise!
Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?
Is everything okay?
Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.
Oh hello!
She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.
Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.
Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.
Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, with your tiny little doll feet.
Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.
What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster!
Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?
[still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking like so much forever!
TTynnyfer
It's all so delicious!
I know right!?
TTynnyfer
This is like the best day ever!
I know I'm eating it all up!
Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower...
Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!
TTynnyfer
And Skank!
How crazmazing is that Les!?
Look if Ann wants to leave Pawnee I get it. I mean who wants to stay in the greatest town in the world with her best friend and be happy forever when she can abandon her soul sister like an old shoe, and move to a garbage city full of jerks! I get it! No hard feelings!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.