He was just a bloke in the market.
Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to believe our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant.
With a Deaf aid
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.
Go on then phone your solicitor
[He puts the phone out]
I haven't got a solicitor.
Don't waste my bloody time then.
No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.
I didn't hear that Del.
I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID
Del.
Come on Del. Who nicked it?
They are free to go, ain't they?
Yeah, they're free to go, no charges.
And you got nothing on me?
No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?
I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)
Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?
They're alright!
What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.
Del, they happen to be sisters.
Sisters? (to the girls) Oi, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?
You don't want to see what it's like in the early hours, Grandad. It's like the end of the world. It's full of drug addicts, glue sniffers, winos. Do you know what, if a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square, someone would eat it.
I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.
Why's that? Been too frightened?
No, I forgot the tin opener.
Why didn't you pop down for it?
Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.
KKaren (bar maid)
Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?
Yeah?
KKaren (bar maid)
It's got a great, big lump in the back.
Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?
He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.
Yeah, he is white, ain't he?
The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.
I'm not ever so white!
You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.
[Del, Rodney, and Grandad think that they have accidentally killed Corinne's canary.]
We gotta think of a way out of this.
I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.
Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?
[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]
I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
£2000?
That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
What you mean I get 500 quid?
Oh yes.
And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
(grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
Where do I get a canary from?
Well why don't you try the boot menders (!)
RReg
I never raised a hand to your mother, Rodney, except in self-defence!
Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?
Something serious, I hope!
(talking about his father) Don't be fooled by him, Rodney. He's had everything from Galloping Lurgy to Saturday Night Fever! I was doing some homework once and I asked him what a cubic foot was. He said he didn't know, but he tried to have a week off work with it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.