Only Fools and Horses · Season 1
When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.
What? And he gives us a fishing permit?
No, he shows us the hole in the fence.
I knew it.
It's called business.
It's called stealing!
No it ain't, Rodney.
Listen to your grandad.
It's called poaching.
They called him "The Axe Murderer". He murdered a group of local fisherman. (Del and Rodney look at each other nervously) Oh well. Have a nice weekend.
It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!
It's a typhoon...
Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.
(when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby) So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?
Well he could be up there, Del Boy.
Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!
Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.
Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?
What?
All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.
No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.
Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.
Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.
Course it is. You own everything on the board.
No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.
Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.
Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?
He's a psycho!
Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
Is that a police helicopter?
No, it's Barratts!
[Rodney is sceptical about Del's latest acquisition.]
You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.
Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.
Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.
What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...
See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.
What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?
I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?
Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?
I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.
(chuckles) Yeah... Uh, yeah.
What number King's Avenue does he live?
I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.
Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were Dan Tempest. Trigger was Long John Silver... What character did I play Del?
You played the bloke what walked the plank.
Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!
Well you should have said so.
I did say so, but you would never let me!
I did once.
Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!
[The Trotters are in separate cells, the scene shifts to each of them one by one.]
Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?
Oh, he was about average height.
He was a great big tall fella!
Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!
Age?
About 25.
Middle 50s!
He was just a kid!
What about his ethnic group?
Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.
No, I mean was he Caucasian?
No, he was a white fella!
He was African, I think!
Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?
No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.
According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker. Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.
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