It's a right blinding Christmas this has turned out to be, innit! I mean, some people get wise men bearing gifts; we get a wally with a disease!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Well I can't wait to fill out my next passport application form. Mother's name: Joan Mavis Trotter; father's name: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.
RReg
If your mother was alive now, I'd kill her.
You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.
Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!
(after finding out that his father faked an illness) They ran his name through the computer but they didn't have a patient called Trotter. But they did have a porter called Trotter. He left two weeks ago with 57 blankets, 133 pair of rubber gloves and the chief gynaecologist's Lambretta!!
(pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?
They're all nicked?
JJune
(about her son Jason) I think he misses his dad.
Yeah, I used to miss my dad. Until I learned to punch straight...
JJune
You had a kid brother. Rodney! How is he?
He's alright. He's just reached that awkward age, you know. He's a bit like a trifle.
JJune
What do you mean? All mixed up?
No, he's thick and fruity.
What are you up to, Mickey?
I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning aikido.
Really? Go on then, say something.
Eh?
Say something in Aikido.
No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night!
What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son!
That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido.
Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit!
(about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!
Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!
Bloody hell!
Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.
Your name Rodney, son?
Well, it is when Trigger's not about!
Do you know I was torpedoed five times?
Yeah?
Yeah. Do you know what they called me?
Jonah?
No, they didn't call me "Jonah"... Not many of them. They used to call me "Boomerang Trotter" cause I always came back.
(heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!
Yeah but - I'm his brother!
Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.
I understand, Del.
No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
[Rodney enters from the hall carrying some batteries.]
Oi, where'd you want these then?
Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.
[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]
Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!
(whispers) I'm sorry.
I'll have a Malibu & tonic with some lime and half a lager, please, darling.
MMaureen (bar maid)
In the same glass?
No, in separate glasses if you don't mind.
MMaureen (bar maid)
Well, I don't know, do I? Might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.