[Rodney and Del are stuck in the lift, and Del is "claustrophobic" and acting all immature.]
I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.
Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!
I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?
I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!
Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?
No, but I bet it was depressing!
I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.
No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.
Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.
Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.
How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.
No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.
I know! I know. But if I don't say it...
But you did - and now you've said it.
Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?
In a way. And what about Cassandra?
Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.
Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.
[Del and Rodney both laugh.]
Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.
No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.
Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.
Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.
Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.
Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.
Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.
Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?
Yeah well, got over the worst of it.
(stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.
Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.
(angry) You git! You stopped it!
(smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.
[Del and Rodney both start laughing.]
[The two then hug.]
(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?
This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.
Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?
I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?
Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?
(uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!
(offer Del the "gravy") Del?
No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.
Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!
[Del and Rodney managed to auction off the John Harrison "lesser watch".]
How much exactly did it go for?
Six point two million. Just over three million each.
Well we've had worse days, ain't we?
[Del, Rodney, and Albert walk off into an animated sunset]
Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!
When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.
Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.
I know. But I still hear voices!
Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!
So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?
Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.
Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.
In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.
Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!
DDamien
(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.
Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.
Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.
(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!
Well that's the theory, anyway.
