We are not dealing with a normal person; this is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
MMyles
First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
Well, it's this - earthy sort.
Well Trigger could be considered an expert.
Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.
Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.
Give it here.
Here's another one.
Give it here.
That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.
I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.
Yeah.
What'll it be Trig?
Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.
(when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.
(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!
BBeverly
(to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?
[Trigger approaches the desk as she says this.]
Oh just a couple of fillings.
(when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell and how they treat ya? Ain't bloody fair, eh?
[Dressed as Batman and Robin, Del and Rodney find out the fancy dress party is cancelled]
We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything!
(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
Me either.
You mean, that's your costume?
Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.
(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.
You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!
Ooh Pierce Brosnan.
Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Yes, haven't I just?
Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Oh shut up.
No, you could.
Don't be silly.
I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.
One day, they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel, they could do Schindler's List on Ice!
Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow!
(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!
During the war...
Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!
(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.
During the...
If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!
Well that's alright then.
Bloody little know-it-all.
Alright, sorry.
Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...[Del glowers at him]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Only Fools and Horses pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.