Victor quotes from One Foot In The Grave

Victor

[to Margaret] [their room is full of garden gnomes] It's like sleeping in bloody Snow White's cottage.

Victor

All the miseries in the world seem a hundred times worse at Christmas.

Victor

[talking Margaret about Christmas] I don't suppose there was ever any magic in it. Only in old films with Jimmy Stewart, never in real life.

Victor

[to Margaret] Yes, I'm enjoying this glass of glue.

Victor

Unbelievable! Absolu-...oh, good morning, ladies. (to Margaret) Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe! Lost it! And do you know what he had the nerve to...? He said he'd only charge me half price!

Victor

Oh, God Al-mighty!

Victor

[to Margaret] Sucky sweet! I'll be sucking on that exhaust pipe in a minute, much more of this.

Victor

Mirror image of your life really, isn't it? Car journey on a bank holiday. First fifty-odd miles on the go all the way - a sense of direction - bowling along. Get past sixty, everything slows down to a sudden crawl and you realise you're not going anywhere any more. All the things you thought you were going to do that never came to anything. And you can't turn the clock back. One way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.

Victor

[complaining on being stuck for a long time in a traffic jam] I wish I was dead!

Victor

[looking at a road map] Ah yes, here we are. Hell on Earth. I though for a minute we had taken a wrong turning.

Victor

[In traffic jam.] Yes I've always said that for a really super Bank Holiday treat you've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours staring up a horse's BOTTOM! [Camera reveals horsebox in front.]

Victor

[In traffic jam. Mobile phone rings:] Hello? What? No we CAN'T bloody well move any further forward. I couldn't give a bugger if you are. 5 yards my foot it's 4 at the most and where's that going to get you anyway? Well you can bloody well LUMP IT THEN CAN'T YOU!? (Horn honks) And you.

Victor

(Tuts) Typical! See this? Story about a bloke who was shot by gangland villains in the East End. Says, "They dumped the body, riddled with bullet holes, in the boot of his brother's car and though interestingly, this was something the local garage failed to spot when they went over it for the MOT.

Victor

[shouting from an open window, wielding a metal coat hanger] You callous coldhearted thieving bastards! Help you with a couple of points?! I'll help you straight onto this point when I see you! I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat, you see if I don't!

Victor

No, I'll just slip in the freezer with the beef burgers.