[Beth has bandages on her hands]
What's wrong with your hands?
I have carpal tunnel syndrome.
Oh, yeah. People get that from typing all day.
Yeah, I know.
How did you get it?
No idea.
S5 E9Boston
Mr. James, do you have any advice for the young ones?
Always use a condom, and if you're too embarrased to ask, just shoplift them. It's easy!
S5 E10Spooky Rapping Crypt
[about Beth] This is serious, Dave. She's out there all alone, prey to all the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.
Sir, Beth is one of the wolves that haunt the mean streets of New York City.
I speak for the whole staff.
Max, does Beth speak for you?
No.
Then why are you helping her?
Because she's a pretty girl with red hair.
S5 E11Stinkbutt
Aren't you wondering why I came in through the window?
Right now, my curiosity is taking a back seat to my sanity these days.
Is Matthew still out there?
Yes. Is there a problem?
Matthew's out there.
Well, that's a problem we all have to face on a daily basis.
S5 E12Apartment
James James, the man so nice they named him twice.
It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.
Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.
Oh, you do?
I have decided to vote.
That's great, Max.
...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall have it!
S5 E13Towers
You know who Guggenheim was?
Yes, Guggenheim was a financier and a philanthropist.
Wrong. He was some guy who built an ugly museum, named it after himself. But, when people see it they go "Hey, Guggenheim." What about me? What about Jimmy James, huh? He's just nothin'. A big, fat nothin'.
Sir, you are hardly nothing.
Well, you're right. M-maybe I'm not nothin'.
Of course you're not nothing.
I'm Jimmy James!
That's right!
Jimmy James!
The one and only Jimmy James!
Yeah, the guy who's gonna blow up the Guggenheim!
No, sir, no!
This is how it starts. These punks move in, start hassling old people, soon the streets are no longer yours.
Charles Bronson week on TNT?
Every week is Charles Bronson week on TNT.
S5 E14Hair
Dave, I need you to do me a favor.
Well, sir, you know I'd kill for you.
That's not a favor, son, that's a contractual obligation.
All dogs are male, all cats are female.
Daisy is most definitely, and I mean definitely, a girl.
We're not disputing that. It's not a matter of sex, it's a matter of gender.
Sex and gender are the same thing.
Not so. I would much rather have sex than gender.
Well, seeing as you have neither, that must be very sad for you.
S5 E15Assistant
I brought Foxy in to improve my productivity, and she can't do that while Joe is teaching her bad words in Italian.
I guess you owe me a t-shirt.
What t-shirt?
One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me."
Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that t-shirt away from my father.
S5 E16Wino
So, what have you been up to?
Well, I'm a wino.
A wino! Imagine that.
Last week they elected me king of the winos.
Did you hear that? King of the damn winos!
It's burning you up inside, isn't it?
To a crisp. Usually, when I crush someone they stay crushed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NewsRadio pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.