NewsRadio Season 3 quotes

Bill

The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave

Soul.

Bill

For those who have one, yes.

Dave

Matthew, Bill is not a god.

Matthew

Time will tell.

Is this your counsel?

Joe

Yes, your honor. [conspiratorially] The Master Builder waits at the pyramids.

I beg your pardon?

Joe

I bet you do.

Dave

Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe

Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe

Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill

Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave

Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill

Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Dave

Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill

Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave

Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill

Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

[in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!

Joe

Dude, you're not Matthew.

Okay, obviously.

Dude, we're still brothers. It's just that we're not twins. And biologically speaking, we're not actually brothers, either.

Matthew

But we look so much alike.

No we don't. I'm three inches shorter than you are. You have blond hair, I have brown hair. I have green eyes, you have blue. I can grow a beard. I'm Jewish! How old are you?

Matthew

Twenty-eight.

And how old am I?

Matthew

Twenty-nine. But I just thought it was because you came out first.

Dave

Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?

Bill

Greed.

Dave

And what has that greed gotten you?

Bill

Money.

Dave

And what has that money gotten you?

Bill

Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!

[about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.

Dave

You mean like military intelligence.

Yeah, or Swiss cheese.

Bill

[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave

Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill

Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

Bill

I'll tell you what I'm high on...freedom!

Catherine

Bill, you're locked up in a mental institution.

Bill

And I've never felt freer.

Dave

Bill, these people are insane.

Bill

Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave

[to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."