NewsRadio · Season 3
Mr. James. You've never seen a scary movie?
Beth. No. My parents let me watch The Wizard of Oz when I was five years old and it gave me nightmares for years.
Dave. Oh, right, the Wicked Witch.
Beth. No, Dorothy. For years I was convinced that a house was gonna fall out of the sky and crush me, and then some farmgirl was gonna come along, and steal my flashy red shoes.
Mr. Caan!
My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
Likewise.
I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
It is. Easy mistake to make.
You know, the forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.
Yeah, well, that'll happen.
Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.
Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.
It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?
Then I will just tell them that you're a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.
There, I took down all the Christmas decorations and threw away the Christmas tree.
Great, Joe. Now you can fire Bob Cratchit and kick Tiny Tim in the leg.
You're Canadian?
I am?
Not you, sir. Him.
Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
Yeah.
Then what is this all about?
What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
No.
Yes, you are.
No.
Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
No.
Say it.
No.
Say "out".
No.
House. Couch.
Your honor, I plead the fifth.
I don't know if you have that right.
I do too, eh.
Oh my God.
Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.
Yes, I am Canadian.
It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.
And free advertising, well that's something you just can't buy.
Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".
You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
[Reading cards from the complaint box]
"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Hey.
[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
SHAFT.
I thought we'd all enjoy that.
[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NewsRadio pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
