If I increased the budget every time morale was low, the guys in my asbestos factory would be driving around solid gold Cadillacs by now.
S3 E3Massage Chair
You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?
"Under Siege"?
No.
"Under Siege 2"?
No.
"Under Siege 3"?
That's the one.
I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
Hey, I can dream, can't I?
S3 E4Arcade
Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12:41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
No it hasn't.
Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
I did!
They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
S3 E5Halloween
I took third place in the costume contest last year.
Really? What was your costume?
Motorcycle enthusiast.
Gay biker.
The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.
What?
You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
S3 E6Awards Show
And remember, people, it's not whether you win or lose, because we are all going to lose in every possible category.
So what do you do, keep all your money in a shoebox under your bed?
Like I'd tell you where I keep my shoebox.
S3 E7Daydream
Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?
I am a specialist.
At what?
At everything.
Mr. James. You've never seen a scary movie?
Beth. No. My parents let me watch The Wizard of Oz when I was five years old and it gave me nightmares for years.
Dave. Oh, right, the Wicked Witch.
Beth. No, Dorothy. For years I was convinced that a house was gonna fall out of the sky and crush me, and then some farmgirl was gonna come along, and steal my flashy red shoes.
S3 E8Movie Star
Mr. Caan!
JCJames Caan
My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
Likewise.
JCJames Caan
I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
It is. Easy mistake to make.
You know, the forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.
JCJames Caan
Yeah, well, that'll happen.
S3 E9Stocks
Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.
Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.
S3 E10Christmas
It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?
Then I will just tell them that you're a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.
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