Dave, we have a little problem on the souvenir shop.
What is it? Bad batch of Ye Old-Fashioned Radio Fudge?
S4 E21Jackass Junior High
S4 E22Sinking Ship
Sorry I'm late. The chambermaid couldn't get my corset laced.
Yeah, I've been there.
You don't wear a corset, Matthew.
Not anymore, I'll tell you that much.
There are things in this life worth living for.
Like love?
I was talking about coffee. By the way, do you have any?
Love?
No. Coffee.
No.
Well, then what's the point? [drowns himself]
Matthew, you're not going to find any icebergs with your nose buried in that nefarious scandal sheet.
Aw, gee whiz!
Matthew! What have I told you about swearing on this vessel? I will not have it.
Darn.
Matthew!
Shucks!
Well, I never!
Hold that boat! I've got a heart condition... and I'm a woman!
Whoa! That's a big-ass old iceberg, isn't it?
S5 E1Bill Moves On
Seriously, Dave. If that eulogy went on a minute longer it would have been yours.
S5 E2Meet the Max Louis
You there! Who are you?
Joe, the electrician.
I don't have time for names! Tell me about the news!
You mean the crap they pass off as news or the real news the government thinks we're too stupid to know?
You are no help to me and obviously drunk!
Joe, Jesus was not born 2000 years ago today.
Yeah? Well, I have a birth certificate that proves otherwise.
S5 E3Lucky Burger
Max, everyone is just a little bit weird.
I collect buttons.
That sounds like a normal hobby.
And rubber bands. I put peanut butter on absolutely everything, even steak.
Well, it's an acquired taste, but it's hardly...
I still have the sweater my mother knitted for me when I was a baby.
That's sweet.
...and I'm wearing it right now.
[to Max] I want you to look around. Here we have Lisa, who today very nearly gave up a career in journalism for a life in the fast food industry. Over here we have Beth, who dresses like a barmaid from Blade Runner. Mr. James, a millionaire who has spent the entire day eating food he knows for a fact to be spoiled. Joe, who has earned upwards of 11 dollars working as an amateur surveillance expert, albeit half of that is Monopoly money. [Matthew peeks from behind his desk] And of course, Matthew, who appears to have taken the surveillance into his own hands.
S5 E4Noise
How could you do that?
Do what?
Steal my idea. "This Day In History" was my idea.
You should be glad that I took your little idea and gave it a little of that Max Louis pinish.
First of all, the word is pronounced "panache", and second of all, it was incredibly inaccurate.
That's part of the pinish!
[Dave and Mr. James are both relaxing to the white noise machine]
So, like I was saying, a problem is what you make of it. If you think it's going to be big, guess what it's going to turn out to be?
Big.
Bam.
Boom.
Love it.
Same wavelength.
You got that right.
Amen.
Yeah. Oh, this morning, satellite of mine blew up on takeoff.
Hmm. Cost?
10 million.
Result?
Immense setback.
Milk?
Spilled.
Gonna cry over it?
Not even.
Uh uh. Right now, I'm sitting on a rather sharp tack. Have been for about an hour.
Oooh. That hurts.
Life's a bitch...
...then you die.
My...
...oh...
...my.
S5 E5Flowers for Matthew
Max [about Beth]: I don't want her to think I'm pathetic.
You are pathetic.
Well, obviously!
Joe, what did I tell you about experimenting on Matthew?
Come on, it's not like I'm testing cosmetics on him.
Sure, not anymore!
Dude... even I admitted that was wrong.
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