Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Lisa

Is Matthew still out there?

Dave

Yes. Is there a problem?

Lisa

Matthew's out there.

Dave

Well, that's a problem we all have to face on a daily basis.

Beth

It's gonna be tough to decide between you two.

Max

Well, I have a solution that avoids the problem all together.

Oh, you do?

Max

I have decided to vote.

Dave

That's great, Max.

Max

...for myself. I want this apartment - and I shall have it!

Dave, I need you to do me a favor.

Dave

Well, sir, you know I'd kill for you.

That's not a favor, son, that's a contractual obligation.

Joe

I guess you owe me a t-shirt.

Dave

What t-shirt?

Joe

One that says "Dave's girlfriend wanted to do me."

Dave

Joe, I'm afraid I could never take that t-shirt away from my father.

Johnny Johnson

[describing Lisa's kisses] Sweet, salty, never dull... that's Lisa.

Dave

No, that's microwave popcorn.

Lisa

[on who to fire] I think there's a much more humane way of dealing with this.

Dave

Hmm, a humane way. Hmm. I prefer terror.

Lisa

Look, why don't you give them a simple task - say, writing up a job description - and hold them to it.

Dave

Yeah, and what's the point in that?

Lisa

Well, it makes them think about what they have to do, and it helps you.

Dave

Uh-huh, and what if they fail?

Lisa

Then you can fire them. Fire 'em all. But they won't fail. I won't let them.

Dave

Uh-huh. That's delightful! Prolong the terror, yes! The axe hangs, but it does not fall... not yet.

Dave

Max, the break room is not your personal hunting ground.

Max

I know. I prefer to think of it as a game preserve, where everyone is free to take their best shot.

Dave

Joe, we don't need a science reporter.

Joe

Dude, I'm offering my services for free.

Dave

Yeah, but just so that you can beam your messages to space.

Joe

Lucky guess.

Dave

I must admit, this evening is turning out better than I thought.

Lisa

You're half loaded.

Dave

And you're not?

Lisa

Halfway doesn't do it for me anymore.

Lisa

Matthew has never lived more than five miles from his mother in his entire life.

Dave

We all have to leave our mothers sometime.

Lisa

Well, put it this way, Dave: When Matthew's mother dies, I envision him dressing in her clothes and murdering transients.

Beth

Will Mr. Nelson be needing anything else?

Dave

No, that's alright. Thank you.

Beth

Am I to understand my services here are no longer required?

Dave

That's right.

Beth

You son of a bitch! I knew it!

Dave

Is this Have Your Secretary Committed Day?

Beth

Ah, sarcasm. The last resort of sons of bitches!!!

Dave

Matthew, what are you doing under there?

Matthew

Surprise! Remember how you thought I was going to abandon you? In your dreams, buddy!

Dave

Yeah, in my dreams....

Matthew

So what do you want me to do? We gotta get crackin'. You want me to do some electrical work, do some reporting, read the news, get you some coffee?

Dave

You take your pick.

Matthew

I'm gonna get you some coffee.

Dave

Great.

Matthew

How do you take it?

Dave

Hot and black.

Matthew

How about cold with little things floating on it?

Dave

Sounds great.

Matthew

It's just you and me, pal. You and me... forever!

Dave

I know...