Winston Bishop quotes from New Girl

Jess

[showing her outfit to the guys] I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for "promising ballerina turned streetwalker."

Schmidt

You have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged.

Winston

More tired— more, like, sick-like. Really let your bones prop you up.

Schmidt

[about Jess's costume] I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen.

Nick

Yeah.

Schmidt

[imitating Woody Allen] "These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions."

Nick

[imitating Woody Allen] "On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open."

Jess

[imitating Woody Allen] "Zombie... Cristina... Barcelona."

Winston

Yeah, I have nothing to add to this.

Nick

Just update your résumé, you ninny.

Jess

Did you call me a ninny?

Nick

Yeah, I called you a ninny, 'cause you're acting like a ninny, you ninny!

Jess

Don't call me a ninny, I'm PMSing!

Nick

Ah! Why would you... Yucky!

Schmidt

No, no, no. I don't wanna hear it.

Jess

It hurts, I feel like I've laid a million eggs and they're all hatching. I feel like I wanna murder someone, and also I want soft pretzels.

Winston

You know what? I feel the same way.

Jess

Shut up! Shut up, you! 'Cause I don't wanna hear it! I've had it! If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

Schmidt

Hey, Winston, tell him what you have.

Winston

Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up.

Nick

Sympathy PMS? What's that?

Jess

No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

Jess

I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.

Winston

Wait, you think she's perky?

Jess

Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.

Winston

Do we have to steal my moustache trimmer?

Jess

[in a meth-head voice] This is worth three bowls of sweet, sweet meth.

Winston

[in Jess's room] This?

Jess

No.

Winston

This?

Jess

No.

Winston

This?

Jess

I just don't think the meth-heads would want anything in this room. [runs out to the living room] What about this?

Winston

A landline?

Jess

[in a meth-head voice] To me, it looks like a meth sandwich.

Schmidt

My koala claws, now that's a pogo!

Winston

At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.

Schmidt

They make shoes for your penis—they're called pants!

Nick

[wearing a woman's coat that was accidentally delivered to their apartment] This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit.

Jess

And it has room for your hips.

Nick

And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.

Jess

You're wearing a dress.

Winston

Yeah, don't say "hot to trot."

Nick

My coat makes me say things like that!

Winston

I know all about sports. Jess, you know nothing about sports.

Jess

Oh, what am I gonna do? I guess I'll just have to use my eyes, hair, boobs, legs, and adorable personality. [chuckles] Fool.

Winston

I got, like, three of those things.

Nick

Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay? That is safe to drink while you're pregnant.

Schmidt

Melon balls.

Winston

Schmidt, no matter how much you get drunk, Cece's still gonna be engaged.

Schmidt

Cece?

Winston

Now, I know you're down about it.

Schmidt

I'm not down about Cece.

Winston

This is— this is a mess.

Schmidt

Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good. If I wanna see dwarves in a real-time dinner scene, I would've gone to Koreatown. Booyah! Ball me!

Jess

Ball you?

Winston

I want you to know, I really did love Walt.

Nick

He was my dad.

Winston

Yea, but he did love me more than he loved you. He told me that.

Nick

Yeah, he told me that too actually.

[to Winston while dancing, about a crying Nick] What's wrong with your friend?

Winston

He's a virgin.

Aren't you a virgin, too?

Winston

Only the penis baby, only the penis.

Nick

Men, hunting! Women, foragers.

Winston

I'm not hunting. The only Hunt I want is Bonnie or Helen. You know what I'm talking about, Coach.

Schmidt

We are hooking up tonight! All five of us. Including the gimp. This is the last wedding of the summer which means it is the last chance. Nobody meets anyone in fall or winter! What, are you going to gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?

Nick

[shakes head] Not me.

Schmidt

Do you realize how important this is?

Coach

I do!

Schmidt

Winter…is coming. [pause] No one comes home alone!

Jess

You know what? Yeah! Yeah, I’m in.

Schmidt

She’s in.

Jess

We’re all in.

Nick, Coach

Yeah!

Winston

I’m in! I can’t hear what’s going on, but I’m in!

Jess

All five of us out there, together, in the wild, getting some strange. Like a sex fist!

Coach

I’m sorry, what?

Nick

Mmm that’s not what you mean.

Schmidt

What’s a sex fist now?

Jess

One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.

Nick

You’re making a mistake right now.

Jess

Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess - sex fist…

Nick

That’s not…

Jess

…when you put them all together, tearing our way through the reception…

Nick

Slow down!

Coach

Are you listening to what you are saying?

Jess

Isn’t that sweet, it’s a metaphor for togetherness!

Jess

Winston, I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. You would have been such a good cop. You would have made someone really lucky to have you as a partner.

Winston

I always imagined I'd have a partner named Robertson.

Jess

That would have been perfect.

Winston

Yeah.

Jess

"Robertson, you're on the edge! You've gone too far!"

Winston

No, no, no. See, the thing about me and Robertson is that we're tight. You know, then I went ahead and slept with his wife.

Jess

Why would you do that?

Winston

I don't know why... I don't know why I would do that. The job really gets to you.