A character in New Girl
Played by Jake Johnson
New Girl · 119 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in New Girl: in 43 of its 119 quotes
Most scenes with: Jess Day (31), Schmidt (15), Winston Bishop (12)
[reading Nick's hardware store list] Long-shafted... drive drill? New nut wrench?
NickOur old nut wrench is bad.
Quick-hardening... caulk.
NickYou don't wanna wait forever for that caulk to harden.
Lube for... drill shaft.
I want you to know, I really did love Walt.
NickHe was my dad.
Yea, but he did love me more than he loved you. He told me that.
NickYeah, he told me that too actually.
Bros ever before the ho!
NickAnybody have a jar?
NickAre you dating Cece?
I'm dating Cece.
NickAre you dating Elizabeth?
Yes.
NickHow do you do that?
They made me choose.
NickYou have to choose! You can't have both women!
What was I supposed to do?
Nick[shouting] You think you can have a bunch of wives? You get one wife! This is the way the world works!
[shouting] Why?
NickI don't know.
Do you know how I broke up with Elizabeth so I could start dating CeCe again?
NickAbsolutely, that was really hard for you.
Yeah. That actually never happened.
NickWhat do you mean?
I'm still dating Elizabeth.
NickWhat do you mean?
I'm dating both of them and neither one of them knows it and I feel terrible about it.
NickBut Elizabeth is gone.
She's...
NickWhat do you mean?
She's not gone.
NickSo you broke up with CeCe...
I didn't break up with either one of them.
NickWhat do you mean?
You process this however you need to process this. If you want me to keep talking...
NickWhich one are you dating?
Both.
Nick[about Schmidt] After he saw the movie Titanic, he started the Billy Zane fan club.
What?
NickLook it up. They're called the Zaniacs.
Why does that make me angrier than anything he's ever done?
NickMen, hunting! Women, foragers.
I'm not hunting. The only Hunt I want is Bonnie or Helen. You know what I'm talking about, Coach.
We are hooking up tonight! All five of us. Including the gimp. This is the last wedding of the summer which means it is the last chance. Nobody meets anyone in fall or winter! What, are you going to gamble on the unknown contents of a bulky sweater?
Nick[shakes head] Not me.
Do you realize how important this is?
I do!
Winter…is coming. [pause] No one comes home alone!
You know what? Yeah! Yeah, I’m in.
She’s in.
We’re all in.
Nick, CoachYeah!
I’m in! I can’t hear what’s going on, but I’m in!
All five of us out there, together, in the wild, getting some strange. Like a sex fist!
I’m sorry, what?
NickMmm that’s not what you mean.
What’s a sex fist now?
One, two, three, four, five of us, together, make a fist.
NickYou’re making a mistake right now.
Schmidt, Nick, Coach, Winston, Jess - sex fist…
NickThat’s not…
…when you put them all together, tearing our way through the reception…
NickSlow down!
Are you listening to what you are saying?
Isn’t that sweet, it’s a metaphor for togetherness!
Oh, hey. How do I look?
Terrible.
N-Not for me.
NickNot great.
Like crap.
Go change.
I don't like any of it.
Wow. You guys are like rubbing alcohol. You sting me in the now, but you save me in the later.
Love is never what you think it's gonna be, is it?
NickNo, it isn't.
[thinking Cece likes Nick] You know who's great? Cece.
NickOne of our finest. Lovely woman.
And she has so much to offer.
Nick[thinking about Cece's popcorn machine idea] Is that what this is about? She sends you to sell me on it?
No, Nick. She doesn't know I'm talking to you at all. Wait. You guys have talked about it?
NickAll the time. But I thought she and I had come to a decision.
Which is?
NickIt's not happening.
Well, why not?
Nick'Cause I'm not interested. And I know it's not cool to say, but... I don't like the way it would look.
People are gonna say what they're gonna say. They're not reasons not to go through with it.
NickFine. You want to know my biggest concern? My biggest concern is the smell.
...The smell?
NickThe smell of it. Yeah, and it's not Cece's fault. I mean, they all smell. I've told her that.
You told Cece you think all women...
NickDon't make this a feminist thing...
It... I'm not making it a feminist thing.
NickHow? They smell terrible. It's common knowledge.
I thought your biggest concern would be how it affected the people around you.
NickI mean, sure, a bunch of old drunks will grab at it...
But if your biggest concern is the smell, I'm sure that's highly manageable.
NickYeah, I guess there's, like, special solvents and soaps. I-I haven't read up on it that much. You know, but you got to really get in there and scrub it out. It's disgusting. You know, 'cause of the daily wear and tear and... oil and grease just cooking in there. It's enough to make a man barf thinking about it. I mean, they get really hot.
I know what temperature it gets.
NickBut if I'm being honest, you know, and I haven't talked to her about this, but I do have good memories associated with the smell. Ball games, the circus, hanging with my dad.
Listen here, you idiot. I've known Cece a very long time, and I can promise you the smell will not be a problem.
NickThat's really easy for you to say 'cause you're not the one who's gonna have to remind her to clean it all the time.
I promise you, if it becomes a problem, I will remind her.
NickWell, if you remind her and she doesn't do it, I don't want you sneaking around and cleaning it yourself.
[scoffs] Nick! I'm a good friend, but I am not that good of a friend.
Good morning! I, uh, I believe you all know May. If you'd like to exchange pleasantries, please do so now, as she is on her way out.
NickWhy are you talking like you're high and I'm your dad?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's New Girl pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
